continued

Oct. 16th, 2001 10:27 pm
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to give me a call (read from back).. Guess what? I just practiced something called...restraint. I wanted to go to Barnes and Nobles. Then, I decided to go Friday. I want to make sure that I can pay my bills this week. Hey, Kathy is all paid off!! Then, I get to pay off Visa. Then, I am sending all my money to my only creditor - The US Loan System. They negotiate with nobody. Well, barely. Well, I must go back to parenting three dogs. My laundry is done. I got to go back to ....normal life. And believe me, I am very happy to do that.
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Wow, how a life can change in four months. Four months ago, it was June. Well, duh! But four months ago, I was living in a cockroach infested motel room making $10.50 an hour to live with crack addicts and drug dealers for $150 a week. I was living with Khary, and I spent all of our time apologizing to him for something I did not do. Now, I live at home with my parents. My life is very non-exciting, but I can live with that any day over living on a plush carpet. I mean, literally, sheets and plush carpeting for a bed. And everything seemed to work out better for me and Khary. I wish him all the best, and pray that he is blessed. But it is still very hard. I mean, I can joke about the past now. But at work, for CCCC, I feel still like I wonder if they will ever find out that I sometimes feel like I wish I was homeless. Well, not really. I guess what I miss the most is the interesting people you meet. No, really. When you are homeless, it is no-holds barred. I mean, people will walk up to you and talk for hours about anything. I guess it is the only thing that saves you from reminding yourself that you have nowhere to lie your head down that night. I mean, the Delaware river took on a whole new meaning for me once I became homeless. It was hard. It still is hard. Thinking back to the fact that I (and Khary) walked from Somerdale to Philadelphia. I mean, it felt like 30 miles, even tho I knew it was not that long. It took us 6 hours. And it was very upsetting. When it was all over, it was raining so hard, and I was so cold. They would not let us sit in the hotel to get dry. The best part, tho, was sleeping under the stars. And breaking away from the usual boring jersey life of constant work. I mean, you slave away at your job, and for what? I have nothing to show for 10 months of mindless work at Kinko's. I realized that I wanted a better life. I do not want to live life as it is always a struggle, a survival game. I mean, if times were different, and life was a movie and people have unlimited money even when they are poor, then Khary and I would be soul mates. But reality stepped in, and neither I with my loving too much or him with his twisted version of reality were meant to be together. I still have feelings for him. But that does not mean going back to him. That means taking steps to change my co-dependent behavior. No successful relationship works with co-dependency tendencies. Look at Eric and Laura. I needed a man just to be there for me. Now, I have myself, and I will be content with that until I meet a man that compliements me, both ways. Besides, I have Kathy, Jen, Roxanne (well sorta) and Gabe. Speaking of which, this guy is supposed
simoriah: (Default)
Yeah, that's it. The feeling of everything and nothing all at once. Six miles my feet have suffered from walking under the hot sun and the pouring rain.
I feel like a disciple, but what am I really walking for? Talking about horses and electric fences, high school and lost loves. I stopped thinking that he will leave me. When he mentioned staying with his grand 'rents, I thought nothing of it. Maybe this reality of circumstanciality will be the real thing. Not like chocolate kisses and fake promises.
*********
Added 11/21/05
I spent that night in a women's shelter. I had to shower in a communal shower. All this, all for love. And freedom. And I'll never forget the pep talk I received from the lady, about being able to succeed. That day, I almost believed Khary still loved me.
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Out of a job again. But I can get another one. I feel a fight coming on. I wish he would make up his mind on whether or not we would be staying together. Our beds, I mean. Now, he wants them apart. I wish I had a say in this. But you know, he does not regard me as a person. Just a piece of ass with money and a car. Just like all men. Well, he had the nerve to say that I should be with a woman. Why, so he could watch? I told him, that if I don't have him, then I don't want anything. And I do not. Sometimes, I feel like committing suicide, letting him running off with the car. I want to die.
But, all I can do is guess that there is life after making more than a few dumb mistakes. I mean, Hammer lived on. I think I am making a big deal out of this. There is life after this. I mean, I chose my life to be this way. Hey, at least I never made it to the Jerry Springer show. Nah, you have to be pretty low to humiliate yourself on TV.
I mean, I just talked to Dan. I need someone to talk to every now and again. I miss that. I mean, Khary is extremely hard to talk to. Sometimes, he gets so swallowed up in escaping his reality. Not that he lives in reality anways.
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Meditation
This is the first meditation as an adult.
Visualization - I had to vizualize something. I visualized and apple. At first, I tried to imagine a physical apple. Then, I concentrated on the apple cut into slices. They were on a spinning plate with the apples swaying back and forth from the center. Then I actually found myself visualizing the image of an apple shadow. I started shaking uncontrollably. It felt powerful.
I tried V2, but I need more practice on it. I tried to visualize a dime, but I could only do it for a few seconds. I cannot do it yet. I need practice.

I fee so stupid about the way I been acting lately with Khary. I guess all I can do is play it by ear, and act as an independent 24 year old woman would do. Apologize if necessary. God, I even found myself forgetting about Khary. Not that he isnt important, but I have worries to think about. I have a future that I have to make happen.

Meditation:
I started to chant the different names of the Goddesses: Diana, Selena, Lucina....and another woman comes to mind: Jessica. I saw Jess Brewster blossom from maiden to mother, and I was there that very moment. Then, I saw her mom, and her daughter. I saw her mom, and I kept asking what should I do about me and Khary.
Well, I am sure the answer will resolve itself. I cannot be with someone anyway who is not in touch with his own reality. But, I have to worry about my own reality first. Well, I don't think I will tell him about how I really feel about him, and I don't think that it is necessary.

Well, instead of helping my feelings hidden...
Clueless. Head up his ass. Dumb ass. But, hey! I ain't dating no more.
Never forgets his music lessons. Sure! He wants me to put his CD in for him. Would he like me to also wipe his ass?
Sure, I'll put the volume up. Not like I have to sleep or anything. I mean, goodness forbid he think of anyone else but himself. Or, maybe now thats the only thing I even enjoyed in this relationship is taken away from, and he don't give a damn. While I am stuck here with my mistakes. Yet, I do not open my mouth because I know I am overreacting, and also it ain't worth the aggrivation anyway. Whether or not he actually went to work, Ill find out anyway.
I would look through his wallet to see how many girl's numbers he picked up today. Why do I have so much rage in me? Why am I so unhappy? Because he has taken away my support system. He made me fall on my ass, and now expects me to get up by myself. Well, I fell down by myself, my choice. I deal the hand I was dealt.
I realize that I need to get rid of this rage, He is not every typical man. Nor is he out to hurt me. He loves me and wants the best for me.
A part of me wishes I was lying in his arms. But, he would only hold me for sex. Then, I would give it up, he would cum (but never me). I faked so many times I deserve a walk-on role as a soap. Then, he would spray me and roll over without so much as a "Thanks". At least, he still needs to get over Jen, and start living in reality. I need to focus on my problems, and become an adult with self-esteem and self-worth. And responsibility.
simoriah: (Default)
Wow, I have felt bad today. I realzied that I started out loving like a young mind when Khary asked me to commit too early. Wow, he does not want me to have sex with him anymore. I will have to accept that. In part, I did it, but it is not my fault. But it is my fault for reacting like a baby. No more extreme feelings of all or nothing.
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Sorry about that short leave, but I had to get away from the room with the giggly teenagers on the chatlines. To think, my stepmother warned me about being a giddy teen.
To continue with the last entry (and it is wise to read it first if you have not), I have taken the words "Independent Woman" and have blown the message out of proportion. My first mistake? A woman in only independent if she is single.
That would explain the long absence of a steady man in my life. I did not want to be dependent on a man to survive. This also explains why, when I am in a relationship, why I am always so moody and depressed. You see, being an admitted low self-esteemer, I admit that my mood always depended on what they other person in the relationship felt like doing. When I was in the absence of a relationship, I felt that I could control my feelings. I need to get over that. I realize now that my feelings are mine to own, and that the only way I will ever be in a healthy relationship is when I realize that not only do I control my own feelings, but my thoughts as well.
This is another problem that I have. I know that I am not the only woman who has this problem either. As a society, we train women to think about everyone else in their lives before them. I just fell into the crowd. Now, I realize that an Independent Woman thinks about the situation at hand, but never lets her feelings get lost in the shuffle.
And I also realize that once I own all my thoughts and feelings, I also own my actions as an independent woman. My mother may have called me stupid, but I am the only one who allows me to have low self-esteem. My friends may have made me feel fat and ugly, but I continue to believe and act that way. Because of MY behavior, I am now running from bad job to worse job, 100 pound overweight with a bad knee, and generally unhappy with my life. True, an independent woman is always content with her current situation. But, she does not have to be satisfied, especially if she knows she can do better.
Another thing about being an independent woman is that she realizes that she is not perfect, and therefore does not treat men like dirt if they do not reach their standards. Also, Independent women do not spend their time criticizing their friend's significant others. First of all, they give advice and help when needed. Also, they have other, better things to do.
Also, there were so many other things that I did not realize that I was doing wrong. I hated being near my ex boyfriends. I mean, I would take great pains to avoid them. I mean, I guess this is the opposite of being a stalker, but it still is not healthy. A truly independent woman allows for a period of separation from an ex-, but only if she needs it. And she most certainly does not change her lifestyle to avoid an ex.
An independent woman does not look at a man and see a sex object. I mean, I hate it when men do that to me. If I train this thought, then I could change the way I act when any man of mine goes and talks to another woman. Another issue is trust. I need to trust men more. Listen, Khary is not the only man I did not trust, believe it or not. He spent about 5 months trying to earn my trust, and probably got sick of it and started doing his own thing. I know all about doing things wrong because I know I have not been perfect. I went out and had sex with men just to have sex with them, only to leave in the morning with no phone number. I also have thought of about 1001 ways to conceal sneaky behavior, and have performed these tricks. While this is good to be aware, I have turned every man and woman against me, if only in my mind.
Khary is a good person. Good people do bad things once in a while. I have to admit I am not always the totally honest person. I have twisted the truth to make myself look good.
I could go on and on about how horrible a person I have been lately. But I need to change my mind. An independent woman, and a Pagan, realizes that the first step towards any drastic change is to change your mind.
So, what can I do to change myself? I have got to realize that there are thoughts that I have had in my head that I no longer can allow myself to have. First of all, I have to get rid of any addictions that I have. Food, sex, drugs, whatever. A truly independent woman does not constrain herself with addictions. Another thing that I can do is spend the night by myself. Khary is going out with his ex-wife tonight, so I guess this is the perfect opportunity to walk around by myself. One problem. I need a couple of dollars in order to by a ticket by patco. I can try to get a dollar or two off someone. Or, I can just spend the rest of the day at Barns and Nobles. Another thing that I need to do is write an Independent Woman's Creed. I will try to make it simple, less than 5 things. This is a creed that I must use in order to get my life back in order. I mean, how many more years can I really live like this? I realize now that an independent woman does not need addictions, money, or a man to make her happy. She only needs herself.
And now, I am that independent woman. I will not try to be an independent woman, I am one. And as one, I will make my mistakes, and learn to laugh at them later.
I am an independent woman.
simoriah: (Default)
Well, it has been about 4 months now that I have updated my live journal. I have had plenty of reasons for that, one of them being a lack of a computer or privacy for that matter. And my life has changed for the better, in so many ways. It has been a long, strange trip, but one worth taking.
Since we last talked, I have moved out of my apartment. Many people say it was because of my boyfriend, but it wasn't just that. I would do it for anybody. I needed to find a new place. I could no longer live in such a restrictive environment. I came home from the clubs after midnight, and then I had to explain to my downstairs neighbor why. I had to walk on eggshells in order to help my friends out. Then, my roommate thought she was getting evicted, and I said that I would leave for a while to keep the peace. Khary did not at first want me to be caught in that situation, but I wanted to know what it felt like to be that way.
Also, I have switched jobs twice. I no longer work at Kinko's. I traded it in for a Supervisory Position in OfficeMax. Then, I had to quit that job. They were not giving me enough hours, and my paychecks were getting smaller. At the same time, they would not regulate my hours so that I could obtain a second job, and that is what killed me. So, I am searching for another job.
Another big change is that Khary and I broke up. We still live together, and we are still good friends. But I realize that he has some major changing to do. He needs to control his temper, and make amends with his ex-wife so that he could see his kid by himself.
But the biggest change has to come from me. I need to learn how to be an independent woman. Not an independent teen, like what I was acting before. I am 24, and I think I should start to act it. Now, looking back at the situations, I see the problems that I have created. The worst part is that Kathy bought into it, and is now acting like the person I did act like. I just hope it does not hit her like a ton of bricks like it has had me.
What have I done wrong? I have taken the words "Independent Woman" and have taken some of the wrong messages from them. And I have to work now to change the way that I feel about a lot of things.

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