I got you to read this journal entry!
Well, to tell the truth, I realized that when it comes to love, I have got to mature a little.
Last night, my ex/boyfriend (since we are still trying to work things out) and I were talking. I know now I should never talk in front of "Diane" , since I have to get her to realize that all men are not like "Jack". Anyhoo...
I realized that I need to improve upon my maturity level when it comes to love. From the four months that I was with Angel, I realized that I am one of those "Now or Never", "All or Nothing" when it comes to boyfriends. I know that I am asking a lot when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship. Yes, I want a boyfriend to have a job, a car and a place to stay. That is easy to get. But, when I ask for things like kindness and concern for others, that is a little more tricky. Now, the only thing that I am picky about is that he has to have some college. Even a semester or two.
Also, I have to do myself a favor and not involve my friends in so much of my relationship. More importantly, I have to not take their opinion as gold. I used to have no confidence in relationships. Oh, I can date, and have had somewhere up in the 100's as of dating. But, to tell the truth, I have not been in a honest-to goodness love relationship since back in high school. And it shows.
I always believed that it was not worth wasting feelings of love on many different men. In other words, I would find them, date them, and then leave them. I have never been in a relationship for longer than 3 months. This has been the longest. Scary, and I just turned 24.
It was more important to have a job than have a boyfriend. I was more committed to that. I once held a job for three years. Well, big deal. Some people stay there for 35, even 50 years.
Now, I got to focus on me. I figure it this way, I love Angel with all my heart, but that is no guarantee that he will turn around and stick his dick in every female pussy for 50 miles around. Ok, I know he is not like that at all. But, like I said, all or nothing. He is either in love with me or he is an asshole. I don;t want to be friends with him. I don't even like him as a person. I mean, he is a GUY!
Well, that is the old me. I am slowly changing, and am ready to accept the fact that ex-boyfriends can still be friends. Hey, I am still friends with Gabriel. But only because I broke up with him. Interesting, I am no longer friends with anyone who broke up with me. I mean, they can't all be assholes.
God and Goddess, I am so immature when it comes to love. Will it really matter 30 years from now, when Angel and I are happily married, that we down-graded our relationship for a few months to see if we will last? Quite frankly, I want to see what he is like an the outside world. Not in the safeness of his girlfriend's apartment. Also, I promised myself that I will not give him any more sex until he is back to being committed to me. I know I will not be dating any more men other than Angel.
That is another thing. When I really love someone, I become this boring drone that only thinks and talks about the person I love, as if the whole rest of the world needs to know about him. When I was single, I used to check out funny comics sites, and see which clubs I can go to. Also, I used to do things like....wait a second. When I was single, I used to obsess about work. I did work 65 hours a week. And when I did not work, I went to college for 18 credits, and worked for at least 25 hours a week. And I did great in school. I think I see a pattern.
Yeah, I need to be busy in order to be happy. Not that Run-Of-The-Mill busy where people work 40 hours a week and call it busy. No, try working 70 hours a week and being on a district board. Or, 30 hours a week work, 18 credits at college, and obsessing with CKI. Yeah, I see a pattern. I got life OCD. I am not happy unless I am taking on six tasks at once, and the funny part is, I can take on all those six tasks and do good. But if I have three, only two will come out right. Makes no sense.
Well, I have always said that when I have the time, I will write down more goals and actually do them. Now, I have the time and the money. I can;t complain. So, I will do it. But what the hell do I want in life? I have always waited until I found a special someone to coordinate my goals with. (Pathetic with a capital P.) I mean, I wanted to become a teacher because I wanted to be home for the kids and to cook and to clean. Not because I really wanted to become a teacher. Now, I can at least utilize my spanish skills that I learned.
Hmmmmm. You know, when I went over to "Jack and Diane's" place last night, I saw a note on the wall that listed all of "Jack's" goals. It was on there several months, and he never accomplished a single thing. So, I am going to take this time and adopt a few personal habits into my schedule. You know, they say that if you do something for 30 days straight, then it will become a habit? I need a few healthy habits. My God and Goddess, I am 24 already. Hey nobody said that it would come easy.
Wow. I am writing down all of my goals, and I realized that my boyfriend did another great thing for me. He showed me all of the dreams and the possibilities. I know that it is annoying to make all of these stops along the way to the goals, but if we do not stop and smell the roses, we miss out on a few possibilities, or even one of our destinies. Like yesterday. In the middle of a Nor'easter, I take him down to Atlantic City, and he wants to stop at the mall. A block away from the casino where we were supposed to go. But, I decided that I would be patient. Besides, I got in touch with my spiritual side. I saw the magnificent waves, and I fell in love with nature's furious side. Granted, Mother Nature's fury is not so pretty when a tree ends up in your living room.
Needless to say, that is why I believe we were meant to be, because he teaches me and I teach him (I hope he sees it that way). Well, I got some more work to do with my goals. I mean, it is one thing to dream, but it is another thing to work to make it come true!