simoriah: (Default)
I was just reading an entry on how another stepmother's bio parents let her do all of the grunt work as a parent, because they were too lazy to do it.  Then why give birth?  W are not running out of humans on this planet.  Matter of fact, I would daresay we need a little clorination of the gene pool. 

The other thing is, I am a weirdo.  I am Pagan, and have different values than other people in this world that consider themselves "Christian".  Therefore I would not want for anyone else to teach my kids certain values.  I mean, yes, potty-training is potty-training.  There is no religious aspect to this.  But even the simple things that you do with kids influence them.  I remember when SO and I first started dating and we took SD to the ocean all the time.  The beach is a godsend, esp state park beaches that do not have a boardwalk.  So, we are playing with the waves, and she was commenting how big they were (that day there were 2-4 ft swells, nothing too major).  And I told her the waves were 10x bigger in California. And I could hear her in the distance, telling people this when I walked away.  Something so little and it affected her.  

Especially when it comes to sex, and drugs, and religion, I do not want anyone but myself telling them about it.  The last thing I was is a born-again Christian telling my kids that sex is a sin, and it is evil, if you do it before marriage you will go to hell.  yeah, that type of shit will not fly with me.

Well, I am pretty much done with the budget for the week.  I am definetly going to need to sacrifice for the next few weeks, esp since SD will need clothes and such for back-to school.  Don't even want to go there at this point, since I do need to start thinking about what I do and do not need for my own self (shoes, bras, etc).  Well the bathroom is calling my name, but I might do it after both of us take our morning showers.  I also got to work on personal goals and such.  Never did that before, and actually made an impact so, I def gotta get to work.   

Litha

Jun. 14th, 2009 11:43 pm
simoriah: (Default)
Today, I went to a Pagan festival with my friends KR, S her husband M, plus 2 friends.  This was the third time I had been to this particular group's gatherings.  Such good work, such good energy.  I had so much fun, and even my friends are looking forward to coming again!  Today, we were celebrating Litha, which is the Summer Solstice.  I also spent the weekend cleaning my apartment and doing laundry.  Hopefully, I will be finished tomorrow and be able to do a "negative energy" cleansing in my apartment. Also, I will be able to go through my old tools and figure out what I should keep/cleanse and what I should just throw out. 

Sell-Out

Jun. 13th, 2009 11:15 pm
simoriah: (Default)
My Wiccan friend and I have this whole thing where we feel like sell-outs since we work for corporations. With the people we have met online, it seems there is a general feeling that if you aren't either working at/owning a Pagan store, a reseller of Pagan merchandise, a farmer or a professional psychic, then you are a sell-out. If you can make a living doing that, all the more power to you. Good luck doing that and owning /renting your own place in NJ, especially north/central NJ. I still have not figured out how to do that.
simoriah: (Default)

So, I have not done anything of late to honor my Wiccan roots, and I was getting really bothered by it.  So, I set aside last weekend in order to get in touch with my spiritual side.  For those of you not in the know, Friday was "May Day" or Beltane.  www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.htmlI spent Friday night trying to find nightgowns in green that fit me, to no avail.  Then, my SO and I played the Kama Sutra game in a private Beltane ritual fashion.  While he is not Wiccan, he celebrates with me for THAT holiday.  (hint: we are celebrating the fertility and impregnation of the Goddess)  I will not elaborate further on that night; suffice to say, it was a great night after we finally got home. 

Beltane weekend )

So now, I can make what  happened this weekend into a life-changing event, or I can do nothing.  I purposely took Monday and Tuesday off, since I wanted a few days to clean this place up, go through the old Wiccan stuff, clear out my BOS and such.......Well so far, all I have done is picked up the laundry.  But this is nothing new, I am a night person and since I have a studio, the only thing I absolutely cannot do tonight is vacuum, and that can wait.  Oh, yes, and I cut my hair.  I mean, kinda drastically.  My hair was down to my bra strap and I cut it to just below my chin.  Let's fac it, my hair is thin and cannot be worn much past the shoulders these days; plus, the blonde hair was getting old.  So, I plan on shocking my boyfriend tonight.  He knows I am getting my hair cut but prolly not expecting this much!  OH well, off to work on my apartment cleaning. 
simoriah: (Default)


So, I had a very active and interesting weekend.

Friday night: Starschmucks coffee house in Warren, NJ. I went to see my fruiend Kokopelli perform. I wish I would have brought friends, but hey; it 3as a good excuse to continue reading, "Sacred Circle". I want to implement some of the things really sooon; however, I woul d need to create an alter that was rather inconspicuous for SD not to go blag over to MIL about my religion. But anyway, the concert was nice. I got 4 free comedy club tickets out of it, which I ended up having to give away to friends, since they were for Saturday night. And on Saturday...

60th wedding anniversary.

Someone just sold me their dignity for $50. I would have given them the credit anyway, but I almost didn't after I had to listen to her cry for 5 minutes.

simoriah: (Default)
Look, I have no idea what quixotic means, but it sounded cool. I have to update everyone on a few things.
First off, my boyfriend finally moved out. Not that it was good terms or anything, but he moved out. We had a screaming match about the whole thing. What pissed me off was that Jeff (his new friend that even he does not like) kept making light of the situation and hitting on my roomate.
Besides that, it was pretty funny. I went from psychotically dependent to dangerously cynical, then I realized that it was both of our faults.
It was funny, two hours after he moved out, he caled me. I thought it was going to be like two weeks, but OK. Well, he said that he was sorry that he left without saying "I Love You", and that he still wanted to try to work things out. He asked me if I wanted to move in with him in September. I said that I would on the condition that he loved me for the real me. And I realize that I cannot grow if the only reason for change is for another.
Then, last night, I had three people call. His so-called 'friend' Dave called, and he told me all about how Angel is trying to get back with his ex-wife. And how he cheated on her. I was just like, whatever, he will prove himself in the near future if anything. Then, I got a call from another one f my friends, "Chris" and "Tina". Well, Chris is more than a little whipped by Tina and he proudly admits it, I don;t know why. Well, he does not trust Angel because he is not like Angel. And I came from the same area, but I also said that Whatever will happen will happen. And that I will have to take my time to get over him.
Then, Angel's mom called me. Actually, she called herself "Your Mother-In-Law". I nearly shit; the term sounds so scary. But I know that she is a nice woman. Needless to say, she told me that Angel is a nice man, and that his X cheated on him. He had everything, and then he lost it all due to her. I mean, she just lost her job at Office Max. Just how the hell do you do that? I have no idea. But I know that I was personally recruited by the store manager for a supervisory position, and I am 95% sure I got the job. So, I am back to trusting Angel, although I do belive that he will always exaggerate. He probably did go to Rutger's, but most certainly not full time his third year. Also, he probably did work at Mercedes, as an intern making maybe $25,000 a year at most. He probably got offered a job at Mercedes, and he could not take it because he had no license. Oh well, I am still i love with him, but I can now think things through more clearly about him. And I can also think about other stuff. For example, I went and celebrated Ostara last night. For those of you who don't know, it is a Wiccan holiday. And I still have a boiled egg waiting for me at home. Well, it was fun, but I have to go to work. Bright Blessings everyone!
simoriah: (Default)
Gosh, I am so anxious right now. Before, my boyfriend called me. He wanted to go watch some movies at Diane's apartment. He wanted me to hang out. Why do I not want to go over there? I have no idea.
To tell the truth, I don't think it is the green eyed monster. I know that jealousy has been popping up lately, and it is because he will compliment other women that have qualities that I do not have. When he does that, I feel inside that he is telling me "Get those qualities or I am going to dump you for her." It just upsets me, because he wants to move to Florida with me next year. What if we break up now? What will happen if we break up down there? Just the utter thought of us breaking up makes me want to die, yet it is always on my mind. Grant it, I am not all that great with commitment. In the past, I have broken up with people for the dumbest things, now that I look back. I never had any consideration for the fact that they might have a life besides me, even though I thought I was not demanding on their time.
Every problem that I have with him, whether it be that he makes me late for work or that he spends my money on stupid things, I want to break up with him. It seems to me that the easiest answer is the simplest: Get the problem out of my life. He is the problem.
But he isn't. And that is why I have been so upset lately. Crying at every emotion. It seems that I have been purging the last few single urges that I have. I hate to admit this, but I am the problem. I have been so intent on being single that I have remained so committed to the fact that I am single, and that I can be selfish, because I have nobody else to worry about.
But now, I am part of a relationship. And I want to make it work.
Four months ago, I made a pact with the goddess. Right in the light of the full moon, I burned a piece of paper that said "Casual Sex", which means I was ready to banish it from my life. The next time I have sex with somebody, it had better be with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, it is now four months later, and the 4th full moon has passed. We met on the 1st full moon (that night) after the promise. And I do want to be with him the rest of my life.
Another thing that is bothering me is that he wants to go out all the time. At first, I thought he was going to spend all my money, but he 'promised' to get the money back. Now, I think that I uncovered another problem...fat. I am fat. When I was skinny, even when I was a little skinnier, I had no problem showing my face in public. I could go out every night and not care. Now, I dread even going out in public. I feel horrible when I wake up in the morning and I realize that I am still this fat and ugly. My boyfriend really never complains about my weight. He just wishes that I eat healthier. Actually, from what I noticed, he likes bigger women. But he also knows women who don't make a big deal out of their weight. I had a nightmare the other night: it was that I noticed that as I get fatter, I buy fewer clothing because I feel that there are less and less amounts of clothing that actually look good on me. One day, in the dream, I got down to 2 mu mu's (fat people dresses). I don't want to be the mu mu girl. At the same time, I already feel that I am her. I never used to complain about going to bars because, well, I wanted to go out to more places. Now, I just want to feel human again instead of just like an aging hippopotamus.
Gosh, I hope that by next entry, this depression will go away. Well, that is all for now. I hope to talk to my boyfriend about saving money and trying to be myself again. Angel, if you are out there, te quiero mucho para siempre.

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