simoriah: (Default)

I thnk the biggest issue that I have been having is that I notice that I try to hasten nature. I guess, we all do that sometimes. Especially with such things like myspace Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, we are all spoiled creatures now waiting for nature just to happen at the snap of a figure. And never does time work like that. I have to learn that the less SO is actually forced to do something, the more he will do it. I also think he got the shock of his life when I showed him the balances on my credit cards. Hell, I even did. Did not knolow I was that forgone. But there is still hope. I am actually not that far behind in my payments for credit cards. After the summer, and after the electric bill dies down and the cable bill and the Verizon bills get caught up. I think we will be ok, as long as SO gets his unemployment checks. At least get paid to sit home for goodness sakes. And change it out of my address; I cannot afford to lose my place over this.

OMG kill me now. GK is having a hard time breaking up with DL and now she wants me to find out if a particular ph# is my other workers, other coworker being Loudmouth McPoopcake. It is known that Loudmouth made DL question his status in his relationship. And if the two are %&$*ing, then DL's an idiot for a) sleeping with his coworker (don't s**t where you sleep and b) risking getting moved from this department. I mean, two people f**king cannot be in the same department. Well, they are not supposed to be. OMG I refused to help her. Took every bit of strength too. I love GK as a person but I need to work with DL and Loudmouth, at least for the time being. And I did this last summer by getting sucked into the drama I REFUSE to get sucked in again.

Maybe part of me does like drama. OK now I know I am crazy. It is prolly my fierce loyalty to my friends. See, before she was just a happy whore, screwing around whoever but NOW, she may be fucking around with GK's relationship. And that is just wrong. You wanna whore around, whore around with single men, or married men who intend on staying married (even that's wrong but I knoow it does happen). But for goodness sakes don't be a homewrecker, and then of all places a homewrecker for a guy you work with in your department. Oh well, maybe I am misreading the car conversation. Maybe DL wants to be single for a while, play the field. Don't blame him after 9 years but don't be committing to THAT train wreck of a whore.

The other Thing that I am understanding is that I have absolutely no respect for women who go after specifically men who are married with the intention of breaking up a family. Cheating does occur, and it is despicable, and it is wrong. But if the cheating is a one-night stand, it is still wrong. But at least the woman is not going into it thinking she will break up a family and everything will be ok.


This is what my brain feels like right now,. Not panicked. Rather it is a good feeling. Kinda like feeling like in the middle of running a marathon.

simoriah: (Default)

Ok, so I am reading this book called, "Eating Drinking Overthinking".  I am definitly the type to overthink things, so this book was good for me to control my binge eating.

SO, I had a good day, my first day of mindfullness in a long time.  Got the kitchen cleaned and all organized.  Also got some laundry done.  It is amazing the tihings you can think of once you actually focus on the task at hand.  Then, after laundry, we went to the bonfire. 

At the bonfire, I had a good time as always.  Great turnout.  But there was something gnawing at me all night.  I still have not told my parents of the fact that BF lost his job.  I am afriad to tell them.  Afraid.  Like, I am 32 yo and I rent my own place and still I worry about shit like this.  *shakes head*.  Because as you know, they are gonna, what?  Ground me? 

I know.  At first, I was upset at SO and the fact that he still has not found a job yet.  But I have to give him credit - he is trying.  And the economy sucks right now.  So, I thought about it more - since he did lose his job, what AM I really worried about?  $$.  This is always what it comes down to.  When will these bill collectors stop calling?  I know, the day after Never.  I am not that far behind onf my bils, and truthfully it is not Ira's Fault.  I did lose a total of $400 worth of OD fees (gotta switch banks already or at least pay more mindfulness to my checking account.  So, I thought about it some more.  But rather than mere worrying, I forced nyself to feel what the stress felt like on my body.  The pressure on my chest,  The lump on my throat.  And I said to myself, "These are just thoughts.  My thoughts do not own me I own them.  And I refuse to think about this until Friday when I get paid.  At least, this is what I keep tellnig myself.

I have to get over this thought in my head that I am a failure.  I am not a failure.  And I need to realize that, because otherwise I will continue to bing eat and I cannot afford to worry like this any more.  Oh well, tomrrow is another day.  I am off to watch "An American Carol". 
simoriah: (Default)

I havce so much to do, so much to say, so much to clean, so much to vent about. And right now, my mind is but a blur.


Black in America )

Ahh that was nice to get out after stewing about this all week. Wow. 3AM. Apparently, I needed to get this out. I was dissociating too much at work, and ready to kill SO over all this inability to vent.

It is hard to vent like this at work when the one thing you were using for all of your communication was shut down, albeit willingly. I am trying to find ways to save some $$. heck I am even tempted to open a new checking account with Bank of America just to get their $100 incentive package. I read the fine print. Everything seems typical, no "Firstborn child clause" or ahnything.


Twister )

This is funny to me, of course, since this is one things SO says to me all the time.  I like the fact that he does point out easier ways to do things; hopefully one day he will lose the condescencion. 


Jun. 13th, 2009 11:15 pm
simoriah: (Default)
My Wiccan friend and I have this whole thing where we feel like sell-outs since we work for corporations. With the people we have met online, it seems there is a general feeling that if you aren't either working at/owning a Pagan store, a reseller of Pagan merchandise, a farmer or a professional psychic, then you are a sell-out. If you can make a living doing that, all the more power to you. Good luck doing that and owning /renting your own place in NJ, especially north/central NJ. I still have not figured out how to do that.
simoriah: (Default)
So, I called my boss from H&R Crock before to find out my hours for this weekend.  Apparently, I have none.  Yay!  Normally this would bother me, but I have worked every weekend since January.  Last year, my boss made me work every night plus every other weekend.  Alot of hours, I almost went bat crazy, since the store was so damn slow.  Now, my hours are limited to the weekends, and on slow weekends, I don't work.  This is the first weekend I don't have to work, since I have worked in three different stores this year. 

Normally, if I have at least 2 days off in a row when I was single, it meant automatic road trip.  Anywhere.  But, now I got a live-in boyfriend.  I am sure he would have no problem with me taking off, as long as he knew where I was going and I took my phone.  But a) I took off Thursday and Friday specifically to spend time with him b) I still have the rental car, and I am unable to leave NJ with it due my father being there (and using his CC for holding it, though I will most likely pay for the final rental) and c) I am saving my $$ for days FULLY above the freezing mark.  So, I spent most of the day sitting on the internet, watching my newly ordered cable tv.  I am beginning to wonder what I did before 172 - Planet Green and 27 - Discovery.  I admit it; I am a treehugging dork. 

Being that I have this time off, I feel the need to compile a list of things to get done that I normally cannot get done.  For example, reorganizing my apartment, get my taxes done, pay SO's child support (w/ his $$), clean out my paper drawer and mail out the packages I said I would, reorganizing my kitchen shelves, laundry.  About 6PM today, I ended up laying down for a nap: I had a serious migraine from watching cable TV and internet ALL day.  Even burning a candle proved to be too much; I ended up turning everything off for about one hour.  I then picked up one of the books I wanted to read, and start the projects in, this weekend: "The Body Sacred".  I wanted to start loving my body again.  This is important, because I do not want my SD to start hating her body from what I say about mine.  I can see bad habits on her already; she confesses to me that she will be full, and yet still want to eat.  This is when I take her plate away and save the food for later.  I have found that this is one of the most important dietary skills that people can develop, and yet nobody from my generation has it, since we were always taught about the "clean plate club".  Well, nobody is going to starve in China since I did not finish my vegetables.  But, we will save them for later so that people can use less in the family.  

Well, off to bed for an early day tomorrow.  My car will be home!! 


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