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I thnk the biggest issue that I have been having is that I notice that I try to hasten nature. I guess, we all do that sometimes. Especially with such things like myspace Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, we are all spoiled creatures now waiting for nature just to happen at the snap of a figure. And never does time work like that. I have to learn that the less SO is actually forced to do something, the more he will do it. I also think he got the shock of his life when I showed him the balances on my credit cards. Hell, I even did. Did not knolow I was that forgone. But there is still hope. I am actually not that far behind in my payments for credit cards. After the summer, and after the electric bill dies down and the cable bill and the Verizon bills get caught up. I think we will be ok, as long as SO gets his unemployment checks. At least get paid to sit home for goodness sakes. And change it out of my address; I cannot afford to lose my place over this.

OMG kill me now. GK is having a hard time breaking up with DL and now she wants me to find out if a particular ph# is my other workers, other coworker being Loudmouth McPoopcake. It is known that Loudmouth made DL question his status in his relationship. And if the two are %&$*ing, then DL's an idiot for a) sleeping with his coworker (don't s**t where you sleep and b) risking getting moved from this department. I mean, two people f**king cannot be in the same department. Well, they are not supposed to be. OMG I refused to help her. Took every bit of strength too. I love GK as a person but I need to work with DL and Loudmouth, at least for the time being. And I did this last summer by getting sucked into the drama I REFUSE to get sucked in again.

Maybe part of me does like drama. OK now I know I am crazy. It is prolly my fierce loyalty to my friends. See, before she was just a happy whore, screwing around whoever but NOW, she may be fucking around with GK's relationship. And that is just wrong. You wanna whore around, whore around with single men, or married men who intend on staying married (even that's wrong but I knoow it does happen). But for goodness sakes don't be a homewrecker, and then of all places a homewrecker for a guy you work with in your department. Oh well, maybe I am misreading the car conversation. Maybe DL wants to be single for a while, play the field. Don't blame him after 9 years but don't be committing to THAT train wreck of a whore.

The other Thing that I am understanding is that I have absolutely no respect for women who go after specifically men who are married with the intention of breaking up a family. Cheating does occur, and it is despicable, and it is wrong. But if the cheating is a one-night stand, it is still wrong. But at least the woman is not going into it thinking she will break up a family and everything will be ok.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what my brain feels like right now,. Not panicked. Rather it is a good feeling. Kinda like feeling like in the middle of running a marathon.

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LJ is Back, YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

Ok, so I am reading this book called, "Eating Drinking Overthinking".  I am definitly the type to overthink things, so this book was good for me to control my binge eating.

SO, I had a good day, my first day of mindfullness in a long time.  Got the kitchen cleaned and all organized.  Also got some laundry done.  It is amazing the tihings you can think of once you actually focus on the task at hand.  Then, after laundry, we went to the bonfire. 

At the bonfire, I had a good time as always.  Great turnout.  But there was something gnawing at me all night.  I still have not told my parents of the fact that BF lost his job.  I am afriad to tell them.  Afraid.  Like, I am 32 yo and I rent my own place and still I worry about shit like this.  *shakes head*.  Because as you know, they are gonna, what?  Ground me? 

I know.  At first, I was upset at SO and the fact that he still has not found a job yet.  But I have to give him credit - he is trying.  And the economy sucks right now.  So, I thought about it more - since he did lose his job, what AM I really worried about?  $$.  This is always what it comes down to.  When will these bill collectors stop calling?  I know, the day after Never.  I am not that far behind onf my bils, and truthfully it is not Ira's Fault.  I did lose a total of $400 worth of OD fees (gotta switch banks already or at least pay more mindfulness to my checking account.  So, I thought about it some more.  But rather than mere worrying, I forced nyself to feel what the stress felt like on my body.  The pressure on my chest,  The lump on my throat.  And I said to myself, "These are just thoughts.  My thoughts do not own me I own them.  And I refuse to think about this until Friday when I get paid.  At least, this is what I keep tellnig myself.

I have to get over this thought in my head that I am a failure.  I am not a failure.  And I need to realize that, because otherwise I will continue to bing eat and I cannot afford to worry like this any more.  Oh well, tomrrow is another day.  I am off to watch "An American Carol". 

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simoriah

June 2013

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