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So I should preface this with I got home and I'm thoroughly exhausted from work (and major lack of sleep). I ordered dinner at Applebee's because I'm in this mode of, "Fuck It". I go and sit with Dave my neighbor for a couple hours outside at a fire and we shoot the s*** and that was fun. And his kids were out there and it was nice. It was very nice I forgot how much I do miss having kids in my life. Even if they create major obstacles. Major obstacles. Anyway, I come back here and I went to read some more "Jassian" fan fiction (Jyn and Cassian, Rogue One Star Wars) and.....Im emotionally dead again. I tried to look up pictures of Cassian or Diego Luna and he looks like a "dad" to me.

Which, hey he is a dad. And that's not a bad thing. But at the same time, I can't find any attraction to him whatsoever. I read the jassian fanfiction and I come to a spot where they're describing the sex and I could barely read it.

I stopped. And that makes me so miserable. I want to have feelings for people. I want to feel sexually attracted to things again. I don't want to feel sexually dead inside because there was a guy basically who didn't feel a damn thing for me. And not that he made fun of me, that was the worst part. He didn't make fun of me. I was just there. We were just friends. And that makes me so upset because he's a nice guy he has now he has very good things about him. But he just wasn't attracted to me and I can't find a way to make him into a bad guy because he's not. But if he's not a bad guy that means I guess I'm really ugly and not deserving of sex. Like who would want this pile of mush? And why would anybody want this pile of mush? This makes me very depressed. Or going back to the feeling dead inside again. And that makes me very depressed and it's a vicious cycle really. I feel ugly, I feel like I'm 40, I feel like there's nothing left. Like not that I want to kill myself that's certainly not the feeling. But..... maybe if I actually have a decent night's sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually feel something. But yeah as of right now it depresses me that I can't even feel the least bit sexual because the last boyfriend I had didn't have any sexual feelings whatsoever.

It almost makes me regret overthinking Rogue one. I would take the attraction for Cassian back any day just because it was nice to feel feelings for something.

As it turns out, he was a really big Fanboy for Star Wars as well. Explains his crush on Jabba the Hutt.

This better not be menopause bullshit. I mean I know I'm 40 but for god sakes.... I need emotion.

I guess I just need reassurance that this gets better. That eventually I am going to feel something for somebody and I'm not going to be just merely depressed this apartment. But I'm valued for somebody I'm valued to somebody. And I'm not this ugly creature, this Jabba the Hutt like masks that I keep making myself out to be.

Well, bout a year ago I said that I felt like I needed to explore my dark side. I guess it's now slapping me in the face. Who knows? I didn't want the summer to end this way. I wanted to be happy again. I don't know if that's possible now.


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August 2017

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