Stepmother's bday waning moon sunny, hot
Jul. 9th, 2001 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
simoriahMeditation
This is the first meditation as an adult.
Visualization - I had to vizualize something. I visualized and apple. At first, I tried to imagine a physical apple. Then, I concentrated on the apple cut into slices. They were on a spinning plate with the apples swaying back and forth from the center. Then I actually found myself visualizing the image of an apple shadow. I started shaking uncontrollably. It felt powerful.
I tried V2, but I need more practice on it. I tried to visualize a dime, but I could only do it for a few seconds. I cannot do it yet. I need practice.
I fee so stupid about the way I been acting lately with Khary. I guess all I can do is play it by ear, and act as an independent 24 year old woman would do. Apologize if necessary. God, I even found myself forgetting about Khary. Not that he isnt important, but I have worries to think about. I have a future that I have to make happen.
Meditation:
I started to chant the different names of the Goddesses: Diana, Selena, Lucina....and another woman comes to mind: Jessica. I saw Jess Brewster blossom from maiden to mother, and I was there that very moment. Then, I saw her mom, and her daughter. I saw her mom, and I kept asking what should I do about me and Khary.
Well, I am sure the answer will resolve itself. I cannot be with someone anyway who is not in touch with his own reality. But, I have to worry about my own reality first. Well, I don't think I will tell him about how I really feel about him, and I don't think that it is necessary.
Well, instead of helping my feelings hidden...
Clueless. Head up his ass. Dumb ass. But, hey! I ain't dating no more.
Never forgets his music lessons. Sure! He wants me to put his CD in for him. Would he like me to also wipe his ass?
Sure, I'll put the volume up. Not like I have to sleep or anything. I mean, goodness forbid he think of anyone else but himself. Or, maybe now thats the only thing I even enjoyed in this relationship is taken away from, and he don't give a damn. While I am stuck here with my mistakes. Yet, I do not open my mouth because I know I am overreacting, and also it ain't worth the aggrivation anyway. Whether or not he actually went to work, Ill find out anyway.
I would look through his wallet to see how many girl's numbers he picked up today. Why do I have so much rage in me? Why am I so unhappy? Because he has taken away my support system. He made me fall on my ass, and now expects me to get up by myself. Well, I fell down by myself, my choice. I deal the hand I was dealt.
I realize that I need to get rid of this rage, He is not every typical man. Nor is he out to hurt me. He loves me and wants the best for me.
A part of me wishes I was lying in his arms. But, he would only hold me for sex. Then, I would give it up, he would cum (but never me). I faked so many times I deserve a walk-on role as a soap. Then, he would spray me and roll over without so much as a "Thanks". At least, he still needs to get over Jen, and start living in reality. I need to focus on my problems, and become an adult with self-esteem and self-worth. And responsibility.
This is the first meditation as an adult.
Visualization - I had to vizualize something. I visualized and apple. At first, I tried to imagine a physical apple. Then, I concentrated on the apple cut into slices. They were on a spinning plate with the apples swaying back and forth from the center. Then I actually found myself visualizing the image of an apple shadow. I started shaking uncontrollably. It felt powerful.
I tried V2, but I need more practice on it. I tried to visualize a dime, but I could only do it for a few seconds. I cannot do it yet. I need practice.
I fee so stupid about the way I been acting lately with Khary. I guess all I can do is play it by ear, and act as an independent 24 year old woman would do. Apologize if necessary. God, I even found myself forgetting about Khary. Not that he isnt important, but I have worries to think about. I have a future that I have to make happen.
Meditation:
I started to chant the different names of the Goddesses: Diana, Selena, Lucina....and another woman comes to mind: Jessica. I saw Jess Brewster blossom from maiden to mother, and I was there that very moment. Then, I saw her mom, and her daughter. I saw her mom, and I kept asking what should I do about me and Khary.
Well, I am sure the answer will resolve itself. I cannot be with someone anyway who is not in touch with his own reality. But, I have to worry about my own reality first. Well, I don't think I will tell him about how I really feel about him, and I don't think that it is necessary.
Well, instead of helping my feelings hidden...
Clueless. Head up his ass. Dumb ass. But, hey! I ain't dating no more.
Never forgets his music lessons. Sure! He wants me to put his CD in for him. Would he like me to also wipe his ass?
Sure, I'll put the volume up. Not like I have to sleep or anything. I mean, goodness forbid he think of anyone else but himself. Or, maybe now thats the only thing I even enjoyed in this relationship is taken away from, and he don't give a damn. While I am stuck here with my mistakes. Yet, I do not open my mouth because I know I am overreacting, and also it ain't worth the aggrivation anyway. Whether or not he actually went to work, Ill find out anyway.
I would look through his wallet to see how many girl's numbers he picked up today. Why do I have so much rage in me? Why am I so unhappy? Because he has taken away my support system. He made me fall on my ass, and now expects me to get up by myself. Well, I fell down by myself, my choice. I deal the hand I was dealt.
I realize that I need to get rid of this rage, He is not every typical man. Nor is he out to hurt me. He loves me and wants the best for me.
A part of me wishes I was lying in his arms. But, he would only hold me for sex. Then, I would give it up, he would cum (but never me). I faked so many times I deserve a walk-on role as a soap. Then, he would spray me and roll over without so much as a "Thanks". At least, he still needs to get over Jen, and start living in reality. I need to focus on my problems, and become an adult with self-esteem and self-worth. And responsibility.