Simoriah's Sanctuary

So I should preface this with I got home and I'm thoroughly exhausted from work (and major lack of sleep). I ordered dinner at Applebee's because I'm in this mode of, "Fuck It". I go and sit with Dave my neighbor for a couple hours outside at a fire and we shoot the s*** and that was fun. And his kids were out there and it was nice. It was very nice I forgot how much I do miss having kids in my life. Even if they create major obstacles. Major obstacles. Anyway, I come back here and I went to read some more "Jassian" fan fiction (Jyn and Cassian, Rogue One Star Wars) and.....Im emotionally dead again. I tried to look up pictures of Cassian or Diego Luna and he looks like a "dad" to me.



Which, hey he is a dad. And that's not a bad thing. But at the same time, I can't find any attraction to him whatsoever. I read the jassian fanfiction and I come to a spot where they're describing the sex and I could barely read it.

https://www.wattpad.com/408767782-at-last-a-jassian-fanfiction-chapter-7

I stopped. And that makes me so miserable. I want to have feelings for people. I want to feel sexually attracted to things again. I don't want to feel sexually dead inside because there was a guy basically who didn't feel a damn thing for me. And not that he made fun of me, that was the worst part. He didn't make fun of me. I was just there. We were just friends. And that makes me so upset because he's a nice guy he has now he has very good things about him. But he just wasn't attracted to me and I can't find a way to make him into a bad guy because he's not. But if he's not a bad guy that means I guess I'm really ugly and not deserving of sex. Like who would want this pile of mush? And why would anybody want this pile of mush? This makes me very depressed. Or going back to the feeling dead inside again. And that makes me very depressed and it's a vicious cycle really. I feel ugly, I feel like I'm 40, I feel like there's nothing left. Like not that I want to kill myself that's certainly not the feeling. But..... maybe if I actually have a decent night's sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually feel something. But yeah as of right now it depresses me that I can't even feel the least bit sexual because the last boyfriend I had didn't have any sexual feelings whatsoever.

It almost makes me regret overthinking Rogue one. I would take the attraction for Cassian back any day just because it was nice to feel feelings for something.

As it turns out, he was a really big Fanboy for Star Wars as well. Explains his crush on Jabba the Hutt.

This better not be menopause bullshit. I mean I know I'm 40 but for god sakes.... I need emotion.

I guess I just need reassurance that this gets better. That eventually I am going to feel something for somebody and I'm not going to be just merely depressed this apartment. But I'm valued for somebody I'm valued to somebody. And I'm not this ugly creature, this Jabba the Hutt like masks that I keep making myself out to be.

Well, bout a year ago I said that I felt like I needed to explore my dark side. I guess it's now slapping me in the face. Who knows? I didn't want the summer to end this way. I wanted to be happy again. I don't know if that's possible now.

 So....I finally came up with the name for my male character.  Dean.  Strong name.  Taken from the 50's.  And since the bulk of the story may end up taking place in the late 70's / early '80's....(I toyed with the idea of this strong being a fiction story about what my true parents may have been like), Dean seemed to fit.  I was also thinking of making Dean's mother one of the bigger characters in the story.  She can be played by Rosie Perez.  Would make sense.  She would be the parent whose life was "messed up" by Dean, because naturally, in the early '60's teenage mothers were hidden away from the world.  She has spent half of her life chasing after loser men (one who badly abused Dean) and the other half, high on drugs.  Dean's Puerto Rican grandparents took care of him until they died; then he went to live full time with his mom when he was a teenager.  He didn't get much exposure to the African American side of his family.  

I can write about this guy all day.  And, in a way I guess this is good.  I am, still, worried about this meeting tomorrow.  But then again, I also understand that I am worrying for nothing.  The truth is, I try to anticipate these layoffs and no matter how hard I try, I still will be surprised the day (if/when) they come.  And I know this.  I guess I just don't want to make a scene in public.  I think I will be too shocked tho.  I may be taking the book "Surviving a Layoff" on the cruise.  But I also don't want to read it TOO much, as to bring the layoff on.  My stepmom thinks I am crazy, that there is no reason for me to worry.  

All I know was, I was crazy neurotic today.  Then, I came home and baked a cake.  And now, I feel much better.  Pissed off that a small part of the middle part of the cake fell off.  But, what am I gonna do?  I tried.

My  friend recently reposted hers.  So I figured that I should do the same.
Edit: I was told I was reaching too low.  I want to keep the bar higher than before but I also don't want to seem like I'm looking for Mr Perfect.  Just....Mr Perfect for me.

My future husband/ love of my life.

 

In terms of looks:I don't think I have that many requirements.  Then again, who knows

 - Tall!!  At least 5'9".

Yeah, that is about right. I have dated some ugly mother fuckers so looks don't bother me much.  Oh, wait

 - Teeth.  He must have all of them (real or realistically fake)   Preferably white with no real bad breath. 

 - Cleanliness

- Weight.  I am not picky.  I just hope he is not skeletal in term of being thin, nor can he be Manuel Uribe fat.  He must be mobile.  I will be working on my weight after the new year.  

 - Recently, I have talked with anyone from "White" to "African American" to in between.  I have a preference for "in-between".  

 - Must have hard grasp of proper English language.  Bilingual (Spanish) speakers preferred.  I would LOVE to have a bilingual household; yes, my Spanish is rusty but I get lots of practice.  

 - Minimal to no use of weed and drug free.

Above all, as long as there is a "spark", I am good.

Most requirements that I do have are about his personality:

 - He must be compassionate.  And kind.  Not as ridiculous as I am but, at least understands why I am kind.

 - He must be patient.  At least with me, his family, animals and children.

 - He must be honest.  Not tactless, but honest.

 - He must be trustworthy!!!  I am not doing that again.  If he feels at all like a "gaslighter" or a guy who talks in circles, he is not for me.

 - He must respect me for who I am and yet encourage me to be my best.  I will return the favor. 

 - He must be self-reliant to an extent.  

 - Going along with respecting who I am, he must respect that I need my alone time as well as time to be "Introverted as I wanna be".  I will respect his need for football/ hobbies/ nothing box and whatever he likes to fill his "nothing" box with (the "nothing box" is a reference for time spent doing nothing but unwinding and nonstressful thinking). 

 - He must love animals.  Would be nice if he liked animals more than people.  Oh, and I have a cat.  She isn't going anywhere and neither are her claws.

 - He must be even tempered.  I will not date an ogre.  I will not live in fear again.

 - He must be intelligent.  Please note that I read profiles.  And while I don't expect everything to be grammatically correct, if I need "Urban Dictionary" to translate your profile.......I don't want to speak to you.  Would be nice if he was creative but hardly a necessity. 

 - He must like the outdoors.  And traveling.  This includes random road/day trips to places that remind me that NJ is this weird bubble of excess everything.  And camping - there is nothing better than for me to camp outside under the stars (on a mat; I AM 35).  Doesn't have to be tent camping, but I can't afford anything bigger than a "pop-up" at this time.  Bonus points if you know what a pop-up is.   For the record, I hate hotels.  I can't afford more than a 3 star and the ones I do find always extra "guests" (oh, the stories I have).  

 - He must be sociable to a degree but over his "party animal" ways.  We're talking "social drinking".  

 - Would be nice if he had a sense of humor, with appropriate limits.  But at the very least, he must be able to accept my ability to laugh at 98% of life's situations.  

 - He must love kids, because I WANT KIDS.  Yes, it is a crazy dream of mine, at 35.

Other features I will be looking for, but are not "required".  I guess he must be at least useful in one of these:

 - General maintenance repair "handiness". 

 - Car knowledgeable.  

 - Computer Skills.  

 We must have plenty of the same interests, including music.  But, differences in certain areas are a good thing, since I love learning and being exposed to different types of music and hobbies.

Religious preference: For practical purposes, I could not date a strongly focused Christian or Muslim simply because there is too much conflicting religious beliefs.  If he is atheist, he must respect my Paganism.  Any other religion, or lack thereof, is welcome. 

 

He must also respect that along with the introvertedness comes the over sensitivity to people's emotions.  I
figure this is a bonus for him, since most men like their alone time, like their time for hobbies, and dislike conflict almost as much as I do.

 

Job:

 - He must have a career that he is set in.

 - He must be a good work ethic. 

 - Financial Security a big must

 

Car:

 - He either must have one, or live in an area easily surrounded by PT. 

 

Place:

 - He must either have one, or at least many years experience living on his own knowing what a budget is and bills are. 

 - If he does live at home with his parents, there must be a good reason

 

Sex:

 - He should be adventurous. 

 - Along with sex, must enjoy cuddling.  And being affectionate.  Because I do.

 - I have yet to meet a guy NOT into my ahem, bedroom manner but still....kind of a given.

 

I don't care if he has kids.  Somehow, I want kids in the mix; I would like my own, but I am also realistic at 35. But adoption is always an option.  
I do care if he has hard core BMD.  Get that shit settled.  And the divorced finalized.

 

This is all my brain has at the moment.  I am trying to go through my friends list to see if I missed anything.  Also, feel free to comment on anything I may have missed.

  http://www.violetwands.com/main-virtuemart/sale/the-199-violet-wand-kit.html

A Violet wand is a device used for the application of low current, high frequency, high voltage electricity to the body using an arrangement similar to Tesla coil.

 

In use, a violet wand typically produces a fine shower of electrical discharges (i.e., sparks, more or less) from the tip of a glowing glass "wand". The wand can be set to a range of intensities from very mild tickling to excruciating pain, and interchangeable glass or metal electrodes can be used to distribute the charge to the body in a variety of different ways.

Fun for everyone!!! AWESOME for foreplay....if there is a guy that believes in it anymore.

I wanted to devote an entry to the weird dream I just had.  And since the weather is going to be crappy, and I am broke anyway, let's do this. The main characters in the dream were: a character played by Miley Cyrus, but with her new haircut.

She was in the dream as some badass Michelle Rodriguez type of character. She was seemingly helping another female escape from her boyfriend. When I started the dream, her and the girl were standing on a very busy street where it seems everyone was commuting to work. The girl, who looked just like a younger version of a cousin of mine, was obviously very nervous, as if she was worried about someone finding her. You can tell she was the victim of physical abuse as well as being locked up. She was scared crapless of being out in public, and really scared of what was about to transpire. I believe she had long, medium brown hair, and brown eyes with no bangs. She wore a black broomstick ankle length skirt and a gray hoodie. So, Miley Cyrus's character and her were walking up the street, and they seems to be talking, making preparations for this trip...all of a sudden, Miley sees something in the distance, like a familiar white older model car. The girl she was with starts to tremble, and Miley hands her a dark colored backpack. The trembling girl starts to walk with the crowd, as if to catch a bus....and fades off into the distance. Miley looks again at the white older model car (for some reason, this isn't a busy street in terms of cars). Sure enough, it's a tall white guy with short brown hair, baggy jeans and a white hoodie. He is smoking a cigarette and has a mean grimace on his face. (He looks like a guy I know from PA, who is my friend Saliva's boyfriend. He looks tough when you first meet him but is a totally cool guy). He seems to be looking for someone in the crowds, growing more and more pissed off when he cannot find this person. Miley goes off to the side, behind a hill. She also has a gray and black backpack on her. She seems to point what looks like a gun with a scope at him, but in the end, the man is not shot in terms of a gun shot. However, he does lie there lifeless after he was shot. The car stops, and Miley drives off in the car. Of course, nobody in the crowd questions this or calls the police; as a matter of fact, all this is taking place in front of the crowds eyes and nobody bats an eye, and if what they saw happened in a parallel universe. (This may seem strange, but lemme tell you; commute to NYC every day of your life and you develop the same blindness as well. Maybe not to a murder, but to a dope deal, or hookers, or children smoking on the street, yadda yadda.) Miley drives the car, and the driver, to what seems to be a deserted area of the outskirts of a city. One side is totally empty and the other side seems to be the outskirts of suburbia and industry. Two people come along, one male and one female, both seem to be dressed in an emo type of style - jeans, boots, dark colored hoodies and t-shirts. At this time, both Miley and the driver are in the back seat of the car. The two kids walk up to the car, looking for a joyride, and Miley invites them in. The car drives off, and they are driving into the country. Where there seems to be "nothing" but rolling hills of land. There are no houses, and trees in the distance (but it seems to be less forest and more hill country area). In the middle of joyriding, Miley's character throws her backpack out of the car. Soon after, she crawls out the back window and jumps out of the car. The car drives off into the distance, and Miley's character walks off. Weird that I would have this graphic of a dream, and remember it in such detail. So I had to write about it.

Just got off the phone with SOB.  I told him that yes, I do still love him but his drama is exhausting.  He told me to stay away from his family and friends.  All of them.  And I am not allowed at SD's sweet sixteen.  Then he called me back, apologized for being an asshole but reiterated the same message.  He doesn't get it.  I am done.  I am officially done with answering phone calls from him, mainly because he calls when he is high (of course I don't know that for a fact but you should hear him).

Anyway, I hope this is over.  I will truly miss SD if it is but I can't take the bullshit anymore.  I can't take his bullshit.  And I don't want to expose any future boyfriends to it.  Truthfully, I am partially at fault.  In my mind, I keep thinking how important I am to SD.  And I am sure on some level she will always care for me but she is now 16.  She is also blindly attached to her mom in Camden and there's not a thing I can or would do to change that.  I know the feeling.  Deeply.

Anyway, figured I'd get that off my chest before it manifests into a deep depression.

Ah, Saturday,.  I his this post from the non-kinky people.  You'll know why in a minute.

Saturday morning and afternoon was uneventful.  I divided my time between Plenty of Fish, where there were a couple of people I was speaking too, and speaking to a guy I had met on Fetlife.  This was a guy who wanted playtime but my protector said, "No.  He is too advanced for you."  So I respected his decision, but I did clear it that we could hang out and not "play".  Meaning, no BDSM style fun. So, after talking with one guy who, as it turns out, had no car and no phone at all (home, cell or otherwise); therefore I could only go meet him at his place in Seaside, I decided I would meet him today.  I will call him 'Lex".  

So, I go to meet Lex and his "baby girl", Whitegurlwitass.  I drove up to her place in Hackettstown, NJ and before I went and hung out in their apartment, we went out to dinner for Thai food.  I got to know them and got comfortable enough before I entered into their home.  Then we sat down, smoked a bowl and then.......... had a threesome.  Really, I was hoping for this - it has been a while since I had some sexy time.  I did NOT expect WhitegurlwitAss to be there, but she was a welcome addition.  Really, I forgot how tasty "vag" is.  And I was super nervous that she would be jealous, but there was not an ounce of it.  Granted, I made sure she was well satisfied :)  then Lex and WhitegurlwitAss made sure I was satisfied, well satisfied.  I think I got my first tast of "subspace" - granted we were not doing anything "BDSM" related.  Lex was smacking her ass but not mine.  After everything was done, we went out to "Applebees" and watched a bunch of practically naked men roll around to win an MMA title.  Both people kept asking if I was ok, but I was QUITE happy.  Just really out of it.

I just got back to Lex and he wants me to come over there.  But he ALWAYS wants another person involved in sex.  (and not Whitegirl since she lives in Hackettstown and he lives in Princeton).  My main concern was, I want to get to get a feel for the person before I have sex with them.  And no, I assured him I have another guy I am play partners with (IceKirby) and that I am not interested in breaking up anything he has now.  I am awaiting a response.   

So I was in the middle of working on a Spanish client (this is a normal day for me) and I realized that while I was on Topamax, I had to use the so-called translator website much more often then.  Now, I write everything down and just use it as a Spellchecker.  happy my skills are returning.  then that asshole coworker laughed as I was speaking Spanish to practice.  I'm pretty sure it was a coindence as I was speaking quietly, and his only claim to know Spanish is that his wife is half puertorican/African american and her grandmom speaks Spanish in her house.  I know he knows the usual-greetings, curse words, and references to sex drugs and violence. so how much he can speak it in a business setting, I got no clue. 

 

either way, it bothered me i cared about his opinion.  for goodness sakes, I got a bilingual coworker who obviously respects my knowledge enough to use some of my vocabulary (I've known this man since I got here and wished he was in DEF longer.). why do I care about THIS assholes opinion?  eh, whatever.  I just feel so much better that I don't need to use that translation site like a Damn crutch.  especially since translation sites in general are crap.  This one I found is at least decent.

 

as I sit here and complain about the Spanish customer, my brain starts to write a new client in Spanish - only that client is purely enlgish speaking.  Whoops!!

 

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