Simoriah's Sanctuary

Wow, what a great time I had on Thursday. I went down to the y-100
haunted woods thing. I joined my friend, "Emerald". We are both in a grieving process right now, for different reasons. Well, it felt good to let loose. I played lots of Aerosmith on the way down. You know, it is funny, when you date a very controlling man, how much you lose yourself in the process. I have a feeling that if I had been allowed time alone, I would have left Angel a lot sooner. But, I never had time alone enough to think about it. And at the time, the possibility seemed impossible. God forbid, he might die without me. Or, I without him. And I am stilll alive, thank god. And there are so many things for me to do today before I go to WORK!!. So, I had better get moving. But, at least I wanted to write and let everyone know I had a good time at the Haunted Woods.

Wow, how a life can change in four months. Four months ago, it was June. Well, duh! But four months ago, I was living in a cockroach infested motel room making $10.50 an hour to live with crack addicts and drug dealers for $150 a week. I was living with Khary, and I spent all of our time apologizing to him for something I did not do. Now, I live at home with my parents. My life is very non-exciting, but I can live with that any day over living on a plush carpet. I mean, literally, sheets and plush carpeting for a bed. And everything seemed to work out better for me and Khary. I wish him all the best, and pray that he is blessed. But it is still very hard. I mean, I can joke about the past now. But at work, for CCCC, I feel still like I wonder if they will ever find out that I sometimes feel like I wish I was homeless. Well, not really. I guess what I miss the most is the interesting people you meet. No, really. When you are homeless, it is no-holds barred. I mean, people will walk up to you and talk for hours about anything. I guess it is the only thing that saves you from reminding yourself that you have nowhere to lie your head down that night. I mean, the Delaware river took on a whole new meaning for me once I became homeless. It was hard. It still is hard. Thinking back to the fact that I (and Khary) walked from Somerdale to Philadelphia. I mean, it felt like 30 miles, even tho I knew it was not that long. It took us 6 hours. And it was very upsetting. When it was all over, it was raining so hard, and I was so cold. They would not let us sit in the hotel to get dry. The best part, tho, was sleeping under the stars. And breaking away from the usual boring jersey life of constant work. I mean, you slave away at your job, and for what? I have nothing to show for 10 months of mindless work at Kinko's. I realized that I wanted a better life. I do not want to live life as it is always a struggle, a survival game. I mean, if times were different, and life was a movie and people have unlimited money even when they are poor, then Khary and I would be soul mates. But reality stepped in, and neither I with my loving too much or him with his twisted version of reality were meant to be together. I still have feelings for him. But that does not mean going back to him. That means taking steps to change my co-dependent behavior. No successful relationship works with co-dependency tendencies. Look at Eric and Laura. I needed a man just to be there for me. Now, I have myself, and I will be content with that until I meet a man that compliements me, both ways. Besides, I have Kathy, Jen, Roxanne (well sorta) and Gabe. Speaking of which, this guy is supposed

Out of a job again. But I can get another one. I feel a fight coming on. I wish he would make up his mind on whether or not we would be staying together. Our beds, I mean. Now, he wants them apart. I wish I had a say in this. But you know, he does not regard me as a person. Just a piece of ass with money and a car. Just like all men. Well, he had the nerve to say that I should be with a woman. Why, so he could watch? I told him, that if I don't have him, then I don't want anything. And I do not. Sometimes, I feel like committing suicide, letting him running off with the car. I want to die.
But, all I can do is guess that there is life after making more than a few dumb mistakes. I mean, Hammer lived on. I think I am making a big deal out of this. There is life after this. I mean, I chose my life to be this way. Hey, at least I never made it to the Jerry Springer show. Nah, you have to be pretty low to humiliate yourself on TV.
I mean, I just talked to Dan. I need someone to talk to every now and again. I miss that. I mean, Khary is extremely hard to talk to. Sometimes, he gets so swallowed up in escaping his reality. Not that he lives in reality anways.

Wow, I have felt bad today. I realzied that I started out loving like a young mind when Khary asked me to commit too early. Wow, he does not want me to have sex with him anymore. I will have to accept that. In part, I did it, but it is not my fault. But it is my fault for reacting like a baby. No more extreme feelings of all or nothing.

Sorry about that short leave, but I had to get away from the room with the giggly teenagers on the chatlines. To think, my stepmother warned me about being a giddy teen.
To continue with the last entry (and it is wise to read it first if you have not), I have taken the words "Independent Woman" and have blown the message out of proportion. My first mistake? A woman in only independent if she is single.
That would explain the long absence of a steady man in my life. I did not want to be dependent on a man to survive. This also explains why, when I am in a relationship, why I am always so moody and depressed. You see, being an admitted low self-esteemer, I admit that my mood always depended on what they other person in the relationship felt like doing. When I was in the absence of a relationship, I felt that I could control my feelings. I need to get over that. I realize now that my feelings are mine to own, and that the only way I will ever be in a healthy relationship is when I realize that not only do I control my own feelings, but my thoughts as well.
This is another problem that I have. I know that I am not the only woman who has this problem either. As a society, we train women to think about everyone else in their lives before them. I just fell into the crowd. Now, I realize that an Independent Woman thinks about the situation at hand, but never lets her feelings get lost in the shuffle.
And I also realize that once I own all my thoughts and feelings, I also own my actions as an independent woman. My mother may have called me stupid, but I am the only one who allows me to have low self-esteem. My friends may have made me feel fat and ugly, but I continue to believe and act that way. Because of MY behavior, I am now running from bad job to worse job, 100 pound overweight with a bad knee, and generally unhappy with my life. True, an independent woman is always content with her current situation. But, she does not have to be satisfied, especially if she knows she can do better.
Another thing about being an independent woman is that she realizes that she is not perfect, and therefore does not treat men like dirt if they do not reach their standards. Also, Independent women do not spend their time criticizing their friend's significant others. First of all, they give advice and help when needed. Also, they have other, better things to do.
Also, there were so many other things that I did not realize that I was doing wrong. I hated being near my ex boyfriends. I mean, I would take great pains to avoid them. I mean, I guess this is the opposite of being a stalker, but it still is not healthy. A truly independent woman allows for a period of separation from an ex-, but only if she needs it. And she most certainly does not change her lifestyle to avoid an ex.
An independent woman does not look at a man and see a sex object. I mean, I hate it when men do that to me. If I train this thought, then I could change the way I act when any man of mine goes and talks to another woman. Another issue is trust. I need to trust men more. Listen, Khary is not the only man I did not trust, believe it or not. He spent about 5 months trying to earn my trust, and probably got sick of it and started doing his own thing. I know all about doing things wrong because I know I have not been perfect. I went out and had sex with men just to have sex with them, only to leave in the morning with no phone number. I also have thought of about 1001 ways to conceal sneaky behavior, and have performed these tricks. While this is good to be aware, I have turned every man and woman against me, if only in my mind.
Khary is a good person. Good people do bad things once in a while. I have to admit I am not always the totally honest person. I have twisted the truth to make myself look good.
I could go on and on about how horrible a person I have been lately. But I need to change my mind. An independent woman, and a Pagan, realizes that the first step towards any drastic change is to change your mind.
So, what can I do to change myself? I have got to realize that there are thoughts that I have had in my head that I no longer can allow myself to have. First of all, I have to get rid of any addictions that I have. Food, sex, drugs, whatever. A truly independent woman does not constrain herself with addictions. Another thing that I can do is spend the night by myself. Khary is going out with his ex-wife tonight, so I guess this is the perfect opportunity to walk around by myself. One problem. I need a couple of dollars in order to by a ticket by patco. I can try to get a dollar or two off someone. Or, I can just spend the rest of the day at Barns and Nobles. Another thing that I need to do is write an Independent Woman's Creed. I will try to make it simple, less than 5 things. This is a creed that I must use in order to get my life back in order. I mean, how many more years can I really live like this? I realize now that an independent woman does not need addictions, money, or a man to make her happy. She only needs herself.
And now, I am that independent woman. I will not try to be an independent woman, I am one. And as one, I will make my mistakes, and learn to laugh at them later.
I am an independent woman.

I got you to read this journal entry!
Well, to tell the truth, I realized that when it comes to love, I have got to mature a little.
Last night, my ex/boyfriend (since we are still trying to work things out) and I were talking. I know now I should never talk in front of "Diane" , since I have to get her to realize that all men are not like "Jack". Anyhoo...

I realized that I need to improve upon my maturity level when it comes to love. From the four months that I was with Angel, I realized that I am one of those "Now or Never", "All or Nothing" when it comes to boyfriends. I know that I am asking a lot when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship. Yes, I want a boyfriend to have a job, a car and a place to stay. That is easy to get. But, when I ask for things like kindness and concern for others, that is a little more tricky. Now, the only thing that I am picky about is that he has to have some college. Even a semester or two.
Also, I have to do myself a favor and not involve my friends in so much of my relationship. More importantly, I have to not take their opinion as gold. I used to have no confidence in relationships. Oh, I can date, and have had somewhere up in the 100's as of dating. But, to tell the truth, I have not been in a honest-to goodness love relationship since back in high school. And it shows.

I always believed that it was not worth wasting feelings of love on many different men. In other words, I would find them, date them, and then leave them. I have never been in a relationship for longer than 3 months. This has been the longest. Scary, and I just turned 24.
It was more important to have a job than have a boyfriend. I was more committed to that. I once held a job for three years. Well, big deal. Some people stay there for 35, even 50 years.

Now, I got to focus on me. I figure it this way, I love Angel with all my heart, but that is no guarantee that he will turn around and stick his dick in every female pussy for 50 miles around. Ok, I know he is not like that at all. But, like I said, all or nothing. He is either in love with me or he is an asshole. I don;t want to be friends with him. I don't even like him as a person. I mean, he is a GUY!

Well, that is the old me. I am slowly changing, and am ready to accept the fact that ex-boyfriends can still be friends. Hey, I am still friends with Gabriel. But only because I broke up with him. Interesting, I am no longer friends with anyone who broke up with me. I mean, they can't all be assholes.

God and Goddess, I am so immature when it comes to love. Will it really matter 30 years from now, when Angel and I are happily married, that we down-graded our relationship for a few months to see if we will last? Quite frankly, I want to see what he is like an the outside world. Not in the safeness of his girlfriend's apartment. Also, I promised myself that I will not give him any more sex until he is back to being committed to me. I know I will not be dating any more men other than Angel.

That is another thing. When I really love someone, I become this boring drone that only thinks and talks about the person I love, as if the whole rest of the world needs to know about him. When I was single, I used to check out funny comics sites, and see which clubs I can go to. Also, I used to do things like....wait a second. When I was single, I used to obsess about work. I did work 65 hours a week. And when I did not work, I went to college for 18 credits, and worked for at least 25 hours a week. And I did great in school. I think I see a pattern.

Yeah, I need to be busy in order to be happy. Not that Run-Of-The-Mill busy where people work 40 hours a week and call it busy. No, try working 70 hours a week and being on a district board. Or, 30 hours a week work, 18 credits at college, and obsessing with CKI. Yeah, I see a pattern. I got life OCD. I am not happy unless I am taking on six tasks at once, and the funny part is, I can take on all those six tasks and do good. But if I have three, only two will come out right. Makes no sense.

Well, I have always said that when I have the time, I will write down more goals and actually do them. Now, I have the time and the money. I can;t complain. So, I will do it. But what the hell do I want in life? I have always waited until I found a special someone to coordinate my goals with. (Pathetic with a capital P.) I mean, I wanted to become a teacher because I wanted to be home for the kids and to cook and to clean. Not because I really wanted to become a teacher. Now, I can at least utilize my spanish skills that I learned.

Hmmmmm. You know, when I went over to "Jack and Diane's" place last night, I saw a note on the wall that listed all of "Jack's" goals. It was on there several months, and he never accomplished a single thing. So, I am going to take this time and adopt a few personal habits into my schedule. You know, they say that if you do something for 30 days straight, then it will become a habit? I need a few healthy habits. My God and Goddess, I am 24 already. Hey nobody said that it would come easy.

Wow. I am writing down all of my goals, and I realized that my boyfriend did another great thing for me. He showed me all of the dreams and the possibilities. I know that it is annoying to make all of these stops along the way to the goals, but if we do not stop and smell the roses, we miss out on a few possibilities, or even one of our destinies. Like yesterday. In the middle of a Nor'easter, I take him down to Atlantic City, and he wants to stop at the mall. A block away from the casino where we were supposed to go. But, I decided that I would be patient. Besides, I got in touch with my spiritual side. I saw the magnificent waves, and I fell in love with nature's furious side. Granted, Mother Nature's fury is not so pretty when a tree ends up in your living room.
Needless to say, that is why I believe we were meant to be, because he teaches me and I teach him (I hope he sees it that way). Well, I got some more work to do with my goals. I mean, it is one thing to dream, but it is another thing to work to make it come true!

Gosh, I am so anxious right now. Before, my boyfriend called me. He wanted to go watch some movies at Diane's apartment. He wanted me to hang out. Why do I not want to go over there? I have no idea.
To tell the truth, I don't think it is the green eyed monster. I know that jealousy has been popping up lately, and it is because he will compliment other women that have qualities that I do not have. When he does that, I feel inside that he is telling me "Get those qualities or I am going to dump you for her." It just upsets me, because he wants to move to Florida with me next year. What if we break up now? What will happen if we break up down there? Just the utter thought of us breaking up makes me want to die, yet it is always on my mind. Grant it, I am not all that great with commitment. In the past, I have broken up with people for the dumbest things, now that I look back. I never had any consideration for the fact that they might have a life besides me, even though I thought I was not demanding on their time.
Every problem that I have with him, whether it be that he makes me late for work or that he spends my money on stupid things, I want to break up with him. It seems to me that the easiest answer is the simplest: Get the problem out of my life. He is the problem.
But he isn't. And that is why I have been so upset lately. Crying at every emotion. It seems that I have been purging the last few single urges that I have. I hate to admit this, but I am the problem. I have been so intent on being single that I have remained so committed to the fact that I am single, and that I can be selfish, because I have nobody else to worry about.
But now, I am part of a relationship. And I want to make it work.
Four months ago, I made a pact with the goddess. Right in the light of the full moon, I burned a piece of paper that said "Casual Sex", which means I was ready to banish it from my life. The next time I have sex with somebody, it had better be with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, it is now four months later, and the 4th full moon has passed. We met on the 1st full moon (that night) after the promise. And I do want to be with him the rest of my life.
Another thing that is bothering me is that he wants to go out all the time. At first, I thought he was going to spend all my money, but he 'promised' to get the money back. Now, I think that I uncovered another problem...fat. I am fat. When I was skinny, even when I was a little skinnier, I had no problem showing my face in public. I could go out every night and not care. Now, I dread even going out in public. I feel horrible when I wake up in the morning and I realize that I am still this fat and ugly. My boyfriend really never complains about my weight. He just wishes that I eat healthier. Actually, from what I noticed, he likes bigger women. But he also knows women who don't make a big deal out of their weight. I had a nightmare the other night: it was that I noticed that as I get fatter, I buy fewer clothing because I feel that there are less and less amounts of clothing that actually look good on me. One day, in the dream, I got down to 2 mu mu's (fat people dresses). I don't want to be the mu mu girl. At the same time, I already feel that I am her. I never used to complain about going to bars because, well, I wanted to go out to more places. Now, I just want to feel human again instead of just like an aging hippopotamus.
Gosh, I hope that by next entry, this depression will go away. Well, that is all for now. I hope to talk to my boyfriend about saving money and trying to be myself again. Angel, if you are out there, te quiero mucho para siempre.

You know, I will never understand my friends. They like a guy who is self-centered, egotistical, and full of himself over my boyfriend. I have no idea why. She just has this 'bad' feeling about him. My boyfriend has never used me for sex. My boyfriend has never sat there and 'bragged' about using drugs and stealing expensive Armani suits. But hey, she likes him. God knows why. No, he does not even know why.
Let's face it. I would rather sleep in my car than spend the night in my apartment with him. And I have. I have also gone on the internet and found people to spend the night with just because I hate this guy so much. I am sure that I have my reason. The fact that I belive he used my roomate for sex is definetly one of them. But, hey: she thinks he is cute. That is so sophmoric. Hey, I have never dated a guy because he was cute. Grant it, I have dated a number of men who could pass as gargoyles in order to prove this point to myself. Now, my boyfriend is quite the opposite. But at least I also know he has a good heart. I see it when he hangs with his friends. I see it when he plays with his daughter. I see it when he hangs with my roomate. Truth be told, if my roomate did not like this guy, he would just be another bad story to tell. But she likes him. My friends like him, well, most of them. And my stepmother likes him. My dogs like him. Trust me, I of all people know that I have poor taste in men, but so far nobody is complaining badly. Hey, I also admit his faults as well. He can be a bit inconsiderate (case in point: today when he took off to the Echelon mall without telling me) and impatient. But we all have flaws: we are human. Being in a relationship means being able to deal with other people's flaws and loving them anyway for being human. Well, that is my two cents for today. I think I am learning a lot about this whole love thing. Most of all, I am learning about myself.

So, life for me has become an unexpected twist and turn, every bend a new adventure. Just what I always wanted.....I think. I got to meet my boyfriend's good friends, and now they stayed with us the past few nights. I am going to have to tell them to go home, three people in a two bedroom is crowded enough. Well, Kathy can't complain that we are alone anymore. It's weird though. It just feels weird. I have to get Chrystle to meet him. I mean, he is not a bad guy. He has opened up whole new worlds for me that I forgot existed. I mean, I think that I was on my way to becoming a snob. Only college kids welcome here.
Well, I have learned two things: college does not make you a better person, only a more worldly person....if you choose to be. Also, I don't know if I will ever become that quiet elementary school teacher I always wanted to be. I don't know if I want to anymore. I need a job with the public, teaching people. I know that, because I had so much fun teaching those old people about Kinko's the other day. It was challenging, keeping their attention, but hey, life is a challenge.
Also, smart is a relative thing. My boyfriend is so intelligent. It has nothing to do with the fact that he went to college for three years. You have to have it before you get in there. All the years of school will never give you intelligenge. You have to have it before-hand. It was funny, I always thought that I was stupid. No, stupid is not being diagnosed with mental retardation at 5 as I was. Stupid is not a permanent setting in anybody's life unless they choose to be stupid. I chose to be stupid for the last six months. But I also think that I needed that break from reality. Now, it is time for me not to be stupid anymore. There is no reason for it. I am 23. People my age are nursing the sick in Madagasger, or however you spell that island next to Africa. I have a wonderful family, and I want to stop neglecting them. Also, I am going to start focusing more on my spirituality. I found the other day the "Thirteen Goals of a Witch".
I want to start following them, because they are good guidelines for anyone, no matter your spiritual beliefs. Most of them, in context, have nothing to do with religion except the fact that they are meant to better themselves. And witches use their spirituality in order to better themselves in a good way without obviously harming others. This is nothing new to Christians, they pray to their God. I believe that all religions are the same, except for different little rules, and the prophet's names are different. I am going to set up my goals online in a few days, on my webpage. I am already working towards my goals, as anytime thinking about them is time spent on my goals. My first goal: to get this enormous debt off my head. Ok, it is only $1500, but it is enormous to me. I get paid enough, it will be gone in two months, tops. I'll see about the rest of them. Now, I have to go to work. WORK. Not going to play all day as my friend Roger does. Not sit and look at mold grow like my roomie pie <;)>. I could do that for free in my refrigerator. Tee hee. Make copies all day, and make work out of nothing at all. Until next time, peace, love and hair grease to all.

Wow, I gues the old phrase is correct: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!
Well, I wished for a man who would treat me right, and give me all the non-physical things that I could never give myself (companionship, caring, trust). Well, on Dec 8th, I met the most wonderful man (to date) I have ever met. And I met him in a club!
At first, my friends were very unsure about oour relationship, being how we met (That's another story for another time). But all of my friends are starting to get used to the new non-single Regina.
I will be willing to admit that I was suspicious at first. But you know what? He has proven himself to be honest through his family and friends. And I know that he wants to improve himself. Through that, he has helped me learn how to meditate. Well, there is so much more that I could tell you, but I am at work, with nothing to do. I almost miss 100's of calenders... NAHH!!!