Independent Woman Part II
Jun. 16th, 2001 02:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
simoriahSorry about that short leave, but I had to get away from the room with the giggly teenagers on the chatlines. To think, my stepmother warned me about being a giddy teen.
To continue with the last entry (and it is wise to read it first if you have not), I have taken the words "Independent Woman" and have blown the message out of proportion. My first mistake? A woman in only independent if she is single.
That would explain the long absence of a steady man in my life. I did not want to be dependent on a man to survive. This also explains why, when I am in a relationship, why I am always so moody and depressed. You see, being an admitted low self-esteemer, I admit that my mood always depended on what they other person in the relationship felt like doing. When I was in the absence of a relationship, I felt that I could control my feelings. I need to get over that. I realize now that my feelings are mine to own, and that the only way I will ever be in a healthy relationship is when I realize that not only do I control my own feelings, but my thoughts as well.
This is another problem that I have. I know that I am not the only woman who has this problem either. As a society, we train women to think about everyone else in their lives before them. I just fell into the crowd. Now, I realize that an Independent Woman thinks about the situation at hand, but never lets her feelings get lost in the shuffle.
And I also realize that once I own all my thoughts and feelings, I also own my actions as an independent woman. My mother may have called me stupid, but I am the only one who allows me to have low self-esteem. My friends may have made me feel fat and ugly, but I continue to believe and act that way. Because of MY behavior, I am now running from bad job to worse job, 100 pound overweight with a bad knee, and generally unhappy with my life. True, an independent woman is always content with her current situation. But, she does not have to be satisfied, especially if she knows she can do better.
Another thing about being an independent woman is that she realizes that she is not perfect, and therefore does not treat men like dirt if they do not reach their standards. Also, Independent women do not spend their time criticizing their friend's significant others. First of all, they give advice and help when needed. Also, they have other, better things to do.
Also, there were so many other things that I did not realize that I was doing wrong. I hated being near my ex boyfriends. I mean, I would take great pains to avoid them. I mean, I guess this is the opposite of being a stalker, but it still is not healthy. A truly independent woman allows for a period of separation from an ex-, but only if she needs it. And she most certainly does not change her lifestyle to avoid an ex.
An independent woman does not look at a man and see a sex object. I mean, I hate it when men do that to me. If I train this thought, then I could change the way I act when any man of mine goes and talks to another woman. Another issue is trust. I need to trust men more. Listen, Khary is not the only man I did not trust, believe it or not. He spent about 5 months trying to earn my trust, and probably got sick of it and started doing his own thing. I know all about doing things wrong because I know I have not been perfect. I went out and had sex with men just to have sex with them, only to leave in the morning with no phone number. I also have thought of about 1001 ways to conceal sneaky behavior, and have performed these tricks. While this is good to be aware, I have turned every man and woman against me, if only in my mind.
Khary is a good person. Good people do bad things once in a while. I have to admit I am not always the totally honest person. I have twisted the truth to make myself look good.
I could go on and on about how horrible a person I have been lately. But I need to change my mind. An independent woman, and a Pagan, realizes that the first step towards any drastic change is to change your mind.
So, what can I do to change myself? I have got to realize that there are thoughts that I have had in my head that I no longer can allow myself to have. First of all, I have to get rid of any addictions that I have. Food, sex, drugs, whatever. A truly independent woman does not constrain herself with addictions. Another thing that I can do is spend the night by myself. Khary is going out with his ex-wife tonight, so I guess this is the perfect opportunity to walk around by myself. One problem. I need a couple of dollars in order to by a ticket by patco. I can try to get a dollar or two off someone. Or, I can just spend the rest of the day at Barns and Nobles. Another thing that I need to do is write an Independent Woman's Creed. I will try to make it simple, less than 5 things. This is a creed that I must use in order to get my life back in order. I mean, how many more years can I really live like this? I realize now that an independent woman does not need addictions, money, or a man to make her happy. She only needs herself.
And now, I am that independent woman. I will not try to be an independent woman, I am one. And as one, I will make my mistakes, and learn to laugh at them later.
I am an independent woman.
To continue with the last entry (and it is wise to read it first if you have not), I have taken the words "Independent Woman" and have blown the message out of proportion. My first mistake? A woman in only independent if she is single.
That would explain the long absence of a steady man in my life. I did not want to be dependent on a man to survive. This also explains why, when I am in a relationship, why I am always so moody and depressed. You see, being an admitted low self-esteemer, I admit that my mood always depended on what they other person in the relationship felt like doing. When I was in the absence of a relationship, I felt that I could control my feelings. I need to get over that. I realize now that my feelings are mine to own, and that the only way I will ever be in a healthy relationship is when I realize that not only do I control my own feelings, but my thoughts as well.
This is another problem that I have. I know that I am not the only woman who has this problem either. As a society, we train women to think about everyone else in their lives before them. I just fell into the crowd. Now, I realize that an Independent Woman thinks about the situation at hand, but never lets her feelings get lost in the shuffle.
And I also realize that once I own all my thoughts and feelings, I also own my actions as an independent woman. My mother may have called me stupid, but I am the only one who allows me to have low self-esteem. My friends may have made me feel fat and ugly, but I continue to believe and act that way. Because of MY behavior, I am now running from bad job to worse job, 100 pound overweight with a bad knee, and generally unhappy with my life. True, an independent woman is always content with her current situation. But, she does not have to be satisfied, especially if she knows she can do better.
Another thing about being an independent woman is that she realizes that she is not perfect, and therefore does not treat men like dirt if they do not reach their standards. Also, Independent women do not spend their time criticizing their friend's significant others. First of all, they give advice and help when needed. Also, they have other, better things to do.
Also, there were so many other things that I did not realize that I was doing wrong. I hated being near my ex boyfriends. I mean, I would take great pains to avoid them. I mean, I guess this is the opposite of being a stalker, but it still is not healthy. A truly independent woman allows for a period of separation from an ex-, but only if she needs it. And she most certainly does not change her lifestyle to avoid an ex.
An independent woman does not look at a man and see a sex object. I mean, I hate it when men do that to me. If I train this thought, then I could change the way I act when any man of mine goes and talks to another woman. Another issue is trust. I need to trust men more. Listen, Khary is not the only man I did not trust, believe it or not. He spent about 5 months trying to earn my trust, and probably got sick of it and started doing his own thing. I know all about doing things wrong because I know I have not been perfect. I went out and had sex with men just to have sex with them, only to leave in the morning with no phone number. I also have thought of about 1001 ways to conceal sneaky behavior, and have performed these tricks. While this is good to be aware, I have turned every man and woman against me, if only in my mind.
Khary is a good person. Good people do bad things once in a while. I have to admit I am not always the totally honest person. I have twisted the truth to make myself look good.
I could go on and on about how horrible a person I have been lately. But I need to change my mind. An independent woman, and a Pagan, realizes that the first step towards any drastic change is to change your mind.
So, what can I do to change myself? I have got to realize that there are thoughts that I have had in my head that I no longer can allow myself to have. First of all, I have to get rid of any addictions that I have. Food, sex, drugs, whatever. A truly independent woman does not constrain herself with addictions. Another thing that I can do is spend the night by myself. Khary is going out with his ex-wife tonight, so I guess this is the perfect opportunity to walk around by myself. One problem. I need a couple of dollars in order to by a ticket by patco. I can try to get a dollar or two off someone. Or, I can just spend the rest of the day at Barns and Nobles. Another thing that I need to do is write an Independent Woman's Creed. I will try to make it simple, less than 5 things. This is a creed that I must use in order to get my life back in order. I mean, how many more years can I really live like this? I realize now that an independent woman does not need addictions, money, or a man to make her happy. She only needs herself.
And now, I am that independent woman. I will not try to be an independent woman, I am one. And as one, I will make my mistakes, and learn to laugh at them later.
I am an independent woman.
