(no subject)

[simoriah]

I havce so much to do, so much to say, so much to clean, so much to vent about. And right now, my mind is but a blur.

 

OK, NOW I remember. I was watching "Black in America." Not willingly or anything, I was over my boyfriend's parents home. Some parts of it were very good, like the story of Tyler Perry. Good actor/playwright/movie producer. I was listening to my MIL's commentary about how the names of Tyler Perry's dogs were not "black" enough (apparently they were called "Peter Paul and Mary" rather than "Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and Rosa Parks) when I started to think about how when I was much younger, I always felt sorry for people who grew up in the ghetto. Some people feel as if they missed out on something; not me. While I wanted nothing to do with the exploited version of the marketed "Ghetto" image ( I still hold that belief today) I felt as if I did not deserve all of the luxeries that I had. I am sure it did not help that my mom, and later, my stepmom, made sure I felt that I did not belong in any version of an extended family by their actions. Also, if I did not play my parent's game of "puppet" I was made to feel as if I did not deserve all of the courtesies I was "blessed" with by living in their house. So, I started by running away. Later, I moved out on my own at 22, and had everything on my own except for my car. And my parents made sure to throw THAT in my face what felt like EVERY chance they got. So, I became homeless. It truly was the best time in my life, or at least it felt that way when I was away from Khary. I did not care about dieting or appearance (great diet btw; lost at least 30 lbs). I liked the fact that they could not hold anything over my head anymore. They could not get me to play their puppet strings. No secret, I talked about it a lot. But after filtering through the new Aspieness I want to make sure I go over everything with a fine-tooth comb.

OK so I digress. Call it Buddism, call it being disgruntled with societal standards for living. I wanted to see how much I actually needed to survive in this world. Quite honestly, I was given everything I need at birth. But, I felt that I was not deserving of the gifts I had. Specifically I would look at the (mostly American American) ghetto neighborhoods they portrayed on the streets. I honestly thought that every person on the block grew up with mental illness, drugs and gangs in each of their homes. And I felt that if each person from the ghetto can make it with no help whatsoever, then so can I.

The truth is, nobody makes it without help from someone. This I learned only recently. Even if someone, their parents, does not give them $$ towards a house down payment, they allowed the person to stay in the home rent free or close to rent free while they saved up $$ or studied for a good job. At the very least, the person had a great high paying job after college. But then, they had to pay for college and I doubt they did it all alone. Not so much help from family, but maybe friends who have a spare room to rent. Nobody does it alone. Not even Tyler Perry.

But up until now I thought that everyone else but me did it alone. And everyone else lived in McMansions, on a McDonald's salary. Truth be told, I saved up $8000 a year living at my parents home. My goal was to simply move out. Now, I am looking towards bigger and better things. But, it seems there is no place in central NJ for a decent price. Oh well. I know now, more than ever, to pay off the credit card debt and get into a home. Now, to get the Boogeyman on board.

Funny how my viewpoint on my parents changed. This does not negate the shitty things done regarding this issue; rather it allows me to see them in a more mature adult light. I felt that since I watched WAAAAYYYY too much TV when I was younger, I automatically lump white Republicans in with uppity snobs in Beverly Hills. The truth is, my parents never been to a country club, much less joined one. Unless it was for a wedding. They love Otter Lake Campground too much. The snobbery that goes on is more "transits vs seasonals" rather than anything else. Nobody is forbidden to go anywhere unless it's an age thing. Matter of fact, my parents never turned away anyone at their door for mere "Color" issues; now if you were a jackass that is your own fault. They also love to talk with people from third world countries; makes them feel better about America rather than the idiots who want to knock it down.

Truth be told, there were 2 types of white immigrants in this world (prolly can lump all immigrants like this but I would rather not since I have only heavily dealt with white people). The first was the immigrant who came here already rich but wanted to be a greedy uppity bastard and make MORE $$. Aristocratic attitude. That would explain the white immigrants who came over here from England, looking for their own little kingdoms. Then there were the immigrants like my parents ancestors. They came over here, in herds, without a dime to their name. They came here for one reason - for a better life for their kids. No standing in lines for rations. No having to do without. As long as a person worked hard they could achieve the American Dream. People still do this. These are people whp usually vote Republican since it makes no sense to take away from the working man's paycheck to give it to someone sitting on their ass doing nothing (I am of course exaggerating but every recent immigrant I ever met was like that).

Ahh that was nice to get out after stewing about this all week. Wow. 3AM. Apparently, I needed to get this out. I was dissociating too much at work, and ready to kill SO over all this inability to vent.

It is hard to vent like this at work when the one thing you were using for all of your communication was shut down, albeit willingly. I am trying to find ways to save some $$. heck I am even tempted to open a new checking account with Bank of America just to get their $100 incentive package. I read the fine print. Everything seems typical, no "Firstborn child clause" or ahnything.

 

I am currently watching the 1996 movie Twister. Again. A bad copy of YouTube since the Blockbuyster in my town closed uHollywood video did not have it. Cannot wait for the Netflix version. STOOOOpid movie. Bad acting. LOOOVED the scenery. I think it is so cheesy it is funny. Even when I look at the beginning scene with the dog, I think it is ridiculous. The dog would not be sitting there in a tornado like a pansy, it would be waiting at the storm cellar if not digging its own hole. I do not know what about the movie makes me come back to it. I cannot even believe Philip Seymour Hoffman, the Oscar winning actor, is in this movie. (Dusty, the guy that kept calling Bill Paxton's character "The EXTREEEEEEEME!!!") And the fake flying cow. And I do want to slap the taste out of Jamie Gertz dumb ass character (Just HOW do they get it inside the tornado?) And what is even funnier is that the show, "Storm Chasers" strives for the same dynamic. One team is for the university of such and such, and one for Boeing, a major coorperation. *GROAN*

I digress.  What is it about this movie that I have to watch it over and over?  I guess I love the love story. I think we all (ok the oddballs like me) have a little bit of Jo (Helen Hunt's character) in us.  No, my father did not get sucked out of a storm cellar by an F5 tornado.  And, no I have no desire to chase tornados.  But I can at least understand the need to chase a dream, even if it means the death of you.  And, I guess in the movie, Jo and Bill loved each other, but more than that, she needed him.  She needed that balance in her life.  She needed someone to pull her back and knock some sense into her when she was ready to just kill herself by throwing herself into the tornado.  Bill was, of course, running away from the relationship due to need for self-preservation.  He went to marry a non-storm chasing therapist and to being a weatherman.  Too funny!  But in the end, the 2 crazy storm chasers end up together.  And to me, the funniest thing is that Bill looks at Jo and says in the end, "You always have to do things the hard way?" 
 

This is funny to me, of course, since this is one things SO says to me all the time.  I like the fact that he does point out easier ways to do things; hopefully one day he will lose the condescencion.