Simoriah's Sanctuary

After waiting 6 weeks for the $$ to come, after price-shopping for everything under the sun, and going without "extras" like razors and burrito shells, and after numerous fights about $$.......SO's unemployment checks came in.  6 weeks worth.  $1200.  I know it is not really all that much, but I'M HAPPY!!  Now I can bring all of the bills up to date that I had to put on hold.  Also, SO can pay to get his drivers license reinstated.  And, of course, back Child support. 

The checks were printed on 9/9/09.  I would like to say this was a coinsidence, but I did participate in a mass "money cleansing" prayer one of my friends sent me.  The prayer is below.  call me crazy since normally I just trash these emails but hey!  Something happened.  

Then we are looking at the checks and they have this 8 question questionnaire.  The usual questions: Did you try to find work?  Did you actually work?  Did you receive money in exchange for work?  Did you sit on your ass and play video games some days? --> (points to SO).  So, SO tells me that this was the purpose of the interview on Tuesday.  I then asked him, "You know, I told you to go online to answer this questionnaire 5 weeks ago.  Did you?"  He just gave me a dumb stare.

All this time I thought his job was giving him hell, but now I know it was his lazy sorry behind.  It's ok things worked themselves out.  Now, I wonder how we are gonna cash these checks since SO's driver's license is expired?       

EDIT: That poor sun in the mood section is really getting a workout!

clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/

 

( Prayer to Cleanse the Currency )

So, I just got home from an awesome drum circle.  I loved it.  Someone, a drum teacher. actually showed me how to drum.  Also, alot of the beats were latin-insprited so I had fun dancing.  It really kinda jolted me into getting my groove back.  Now, my body is tired and in dire need of sleep.  Tomorrow is housework day.

Today, I got my CAR back!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I dropped off my rental car at 8:30 AM.  8:37 AM to be exact.  My dad was mad that I could not be ontime at 8:30 (he is old school).  Then, I went and filled the gas tank up and changed the oil.  It is at that point that I realized there was still an issue with the car: window fluid was leaking all over the place.  took it back to the place to get that fixed, then went home. 

Also, I watched a special about the moon and its power on the earth.  It told the story of the worl'd creation from a scientific standpoint: how the earth formed and the moon formed from part of the earth mass.  How it cooled over a few million years.  How algae from the water created the blue sky, and created all other forms of life.  After seeing this, I shed a tear.  To me and my beliefs, this just reaffirmed my belief of the earth as the great mother, and the sky is the great father.  All forms of animals are the brothers and sisters, even the spiders I sometimes become frighten of and kill.  How anyone can do harm knowingly to this planet is beyond me.  Oh well, that is my spiritual rant for the day.  Out to do taxes and other mundane things.

Meditation
This is the first meditation as an adult.
Visualization - I had to vizualize something. I visualized and apple. At first, I tried to imagine a physical apple. Then, I concentrated on the apple cut into slices. They were on a spinning plate with the apples swaying back and forth from the center. Then I actually found myself visualizing the image of an apple shadow. I started shaking uncontrollably. It felt powerful.
I tried V2, but I need more practice on it. I tried to visualize a dime, but I could only do it for a few seconds. I cannot do it yet. I need practice.

I fee so stupid about the way I been acting lately with Khary. I guess all I can do is play it by ear, and act as an independent 24 year old woman would do. Apologize if necessary. God, I even found myself forgetting about Khary. Not that he isnt important, but I have worries to think about. I have a future that I have to make happen.

Meditation:
I started to chant the different names of the Goddesses: Diana, Selena, Lucina....and another woman comes to mind: Jessica. I saw Jess Brewster blossom from maiden to mother, and I was there that very moment. Then, I saw her mom, and her daughter. I saw her mom, and I kept asking what should I do about me and Khary.
Well, I am sure the answer will resolve itself. I cannot be with someone anyway who is not in touch with his own reality. But, I have to worry about my own reality first. Well, I don't think I will tell him about how I really feel about him, and I don't think that it is necessary.

Well, instead of helping my feelings hidden...
Clueless. Head up his ass. Dumb ass. But, hey! I ain't dating no more.
Never forgets his music lessons. Sure! He wants me to put his CD in for him. Would he like me to also wipe his ass?
Sure, I'll put the volume up. Not like I have to sleep or anything. I mean, goodness forbid he think of anyone else but himself. Or, maybe now thats the only thing I even enjoyed in this relationship is taken away from, and he don't give a damn. While I am stuck here with my mistakes. Yet, I do not open my mouth because I know I am overreacting, and also it ain't worth the aggrivation anyway. Whether or not he actually went to work, Ill find out anyway.
I would look through his wallet to see how many girl's numbers he picked up today. Why do I have so much rage in me? Why am I so unhappy? Because he has taken away my support system. He made me fall on my ass, and now expects me to get up by myself. Well, I fell down by myself, my choice. I deal the hand I was dealt.
I realize that I need to get rid of this rage, He is not every typical man. Nor is he out to hurt me. He loves me and wants the best for me.
A part of me wishes I was lying in his arms. But, he would only hold me for sex. Then, I would give it up, he would cum (but never me). I faked so many times I deserve a walk-on role as a soap. Then, he would spray me and roll over without so much as a "Thanks". At least, he still needs to get over Jen, and start living in reality. I need to focus on my problems, and become an adult with self-esteem and self-worth. And responsibility.

I got you to read this journal entry!
Well, to tell the truth, I realized that when it comes to love, I have got to mature a little.
Last night, my ex/boyfriend (since we are still trying to work things out) and I were talking. I know now I should never talk in front of "Diane" , since I have to get her to realize that all men are not like "Jack". Anyhoo...

I realized that I need to improve upon my maturity level when it comes to love. From the four months that I was with Angel, I realized that I am one of those "Now or Never", "All or Nothing" when it comes to boyfriends. I know that I am asking a lot when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship. Yes, I want a boyfriend to have a job, a car and a place to stay. That is easy to get. But, when I ask for things like kindness and concern for others, that is a little more tricky. Now, the only thing that I am picky about is that he has to have some college. Even a semester or two.
Also, I have to do myself a favor and not involve my friends in so much of my relationship. More importantly, I have to not take their opinion as gold. I used to have no confidence in relationships. Oh, I can date, and have had somewhere up in the 100's as of dating. But, to tell the truth, I have not been in a honest-to goodness love relationship since back in high school. And it shows.

I always believed that it was not worth wasting feelings of love on many different men. In other words, I would find them, date them, and then leave them. I have never been in a relationship for longer than 3 months. This has been the longest. Scary, and I just turned 24.
It was more important to have a job than have a boyfriend. I was more committed to that. I once held a job for three years. Well, big deal. Some people stay there for 35, even 50 years.

Now, I got to focus on me. I figure it this way, I love Angel with all my heart, but that is no guarantee that he will turn around and stick his dick in every female pussy for 50 miles around. Ok, I know he is not like that at all. But, like I said, all or nothing. He is either in love with me or he is an asshole. I don;t want to be friends with him. I don't even like him as a person. I mean, he is a GUY!

Well, that is the old me. I am slowly changing, and am ready to accept the fact that ex-boyfriends can still be friends. Hey, I am still friends with Gabriel. But only because I broke up with him. Interesting, I am no longer friends with anyone who broke up with me. I mean, they can't all be assholes.

God and Goddess, I am so immature when it comes to love. Will it really matter 30 years from now, when Angel and I are happily married, that we down-graded our relationship for a few months to see if we will last? Quite frankly, I want to see what he is like an the outside world. Not in the safeness of his girlfriend's apartment. Also, I promised myself that I will not give him any more sex until he is back to being committed to me. I know I will not be dating any more men other than Angel.

That is another thing. When I really love someone, I become this boring drone that only thinks and talks about the person I love, as if the whole rest of the world needs to know about him. When I was single, I used to check out funny comics sites, and see which clubs I can go to. Also, I used to do things like....wait a second. When I was single, I used to obsess about work. I did work 65 hours a week. And when I did not work, I went to college for 18 credits, and worked for at least 25 hours a week. And I did great in school. I think I see a pattern.

Yeah, I need to be busy in order to be happy. Not that Run-Of-The-Mill busy where people work 40 hours a week and call it busy. No, try working 70 hours a week and being on a district board. Or, 30 hours a week work, 18 credits at college, and obsessing with CKI. Yeah, I see a pattern. I got life OCD. I am not happy unless I am taking on six tasks at once, and the funny part is, I can take on all those six tasks and do good. But if I have three, only two will come out right. Makes no sense.

Well, I have always said that when I have the time, I will write down more goals and actually do them. Now, I have the time and the money. I can;t complain. So, I will do it. But what the hell do I want in life? I have always waited until I found a special someone to coordinate my goals with. (Pathetic with a capital P.) I mean, I wanted to become a teacher because I wanted to be home for the kids and to cook and to clean. Not because I really wanted to become a teacher. Now, I can at least utilize my spanish skills that I learned.

Hmmmmm. You know, when I went over to "Jack and Diane's" place last night, I saw a note on the wall that listed all of "Jack's" goals. It was on there several months, and he never accomplished a single thing. So, I am going to take this time and adopt a few personal habits into my schedule. You know, they say that if you do something for 30 days straight, then it will become a habit? I need a few healthy habits. My God and Goddess, I am 24 already. Hey nobody said that it would come easy.

Wow. I am writing down all of my goals, and I realized that my boyfriend did another great thing for me. He showed me all of the dreams and the possibilities. I know that it is annoying to make all of these stops along the way to the goals, but if we do not stop and smell the roses, we miss out on a few possibilities, or even one of our destinies. Like yesterday. In the middle of a Nor'easter, I take him down to Atlantic City, and he wants to stop at the mall. A block away from the casino where we were supposed to go. But, I decided that I would be patient. Besides, I got in touch with my spiritual side. I saw the magnificent waves, and I fell in love with nature's furious side. Granted, Mother Nature's fury is not so pretty when a tree ends up in your living room.
Needless to say, that is why I believe we were meant to be, because he teaches me and I teach him (I hope he sees it that way). Well, I got some more work to do with my goals. I mean, it is one thing to dream, but it is another thing to work to make it come true!

So, life for me has become an unexpected twist and turn, every bend a new adventure. Just what I always wanted.....I think. I got to meet my boyfriend's good friends, and now they stayed with us the past few nights. I am going to have to tell them to go home, three people in a two bedroom is crowded enough. Well, Kathy can't complain that we are alone anymore. It's weird though. It just feels weird. I have to get Chrystle to meet him. I mean, he is not a bad guy. He has opened up whole new worlds for me that I forgot existed. I mean, I think that I was on my way to becoming a snob. Only college kids welcome here.
Well, I have learned two things: college does not make you a better person, only a more worldly person....if you choose to be. Also, I don't know if I will ever become that quiet elementary school teacher I always wanted to be. I don't know if I want to anymore. I need a job with the public, teaching people. I know that, because I had so much fun teaching those old people about Kinko's the other day. It was challenging, keeping their attention, but hey, life is a challenge.
Also, smart is a relative thing. My boyfriend is so intelligent. It has nothing to do with the fact that he went to college for three years. You have to have it before you get in there. All the years of school will never give you intelligenge. You have to have it before-hand. It was funny, I always thought that I was stupid. No, stupid is not being diagnosed with mental retardation at 5 as I was. Stupid is not a permanent setting in anybody's life unless they choose to be stupid. I chose to be stupid for the last six months. But I also think that I needed that break from reality. Now, it is time for me not to be stupid anymore. There is no reason for it. I am 23. People my age are nursing the sick in Madagasger, or however you spell that island next to Africa. I have a wonderful family, and I want to stop neglecting them. Also, I am going to start focusing more on my spirituality. I found the other day the "Thirteen Goals of a Witch".
I want to start following them, because they are good guidelines for anyone, no matter your spiritual beliefs. Most of them, in context, have nothing to do with religion except the fact that they are meant to better themselves. And witches use their spirituality in order to better themselves in a good way without obviously harming others. This is nothing new to Christians, they pray to their God. I believe that all religions are the same, except for different little rules, and the prophet's names are different. I am going to set up my goals online in a few days, on my webpage. I am already working towards my goals, as anytime thinking about them is time spent on my goals. My first goal: to get this enormous debt off my head. Ok, it is only $1500, but it is enormous to me. I get paid enough, it will be gone in two months, tops. I'll see about the rest of them. Now, I have to go to work. WORK. Not going to play all day as my friend Roger does. Not sit and look at mold grow like my roomie pie <;)>. I could do that for free in my refrigerator. Tee hee. Make copies all day, and make work out of nothing at all. Until next time, peace, love and hair grease to all.