Mind Conflict

So, here I am, doing laundry for my apartment. Sitting on a cold floor since there is no space for laptops. I am thinking about the argument that I had with IT today in the car. It all boils down to this:
"I am not moving to Texas with you unless we are engaged/married."
I think it is a fair proposition. He has been given a year, since I cannot imagine we will be moving to Texas (or anywhere) before next year. We have been dating 2 1/2 years, he now lives with me, and I am very close with his daughter. If we move to Texas, then I will be a full time stepmom/housekeeper/cook but with no title, as it stands. To be fair, IT is willing to marry me, but he wants to be on more stable footing. I do as well.

However, this started off a series of questions in my head. Am I being fair to IT? I don't know if I want to be married. I don't know what I want, so how can I demand it from him? Finally, since I don't know if I myself want to be married, is this me or am I caving into another societal demand for "normal" families? I know I should not care what other people think or feel, but I feel as if everyone else is married and I am not.

Well, I would rather sit and analyze it here rather than speak to IT about it. See, I guess I had a lot more in common with my college friends, who all married an SO without prior kids. In my heart, I guess we would all just be alike in this respect: married but no kids for a while. Well, if I stay with SO I do not have a choice. It is different with IT, since all of his friends have kids and BabyMamaDrama and hard choices; naturally, he does not understand the conflict in me.

And if we move to Texas, I will be moving to an area with little relatives and fewer friends (although there is meetup and facebook). Also, if I move to Texas, I feel as if I cannot leave if I wanted too, since I would never leave SD. It would feel, well, permanent, even tho technically it's not. We would not be married. And what is married anyway? In the movie "Schindler's List", the couple got married by breaking a lightbulb. No fancy ceremony at the Ritz, nothing. They did not need it; they were in love.
I think SD could stand to get married to me without the pompous ceremony; but I want the ceremony, I really don't even need the paper. I don't really need a pompous ceremony; just something small and symbolic by the beach. Or, maybe, I am watching too much "Platinum Weddings"? I mean that wedding would be HOT! But really it's all for show. And, I don't know. Maybe it's time for me to jump back to reality and realize that I will never have a platinum wedding; and if I did, my dad would want to run the whole thing anyway, not me. Like I said before, I don't need the paper, just the idea of my dad walking me down the aisle.

Well, my battery is dying....ttyl

Making myself Laugh about Marriage

So, yeah, I wrote all about wanting, or not wanting, to get married.  Then, I started thinking that in terms of love, I could look at the glass half full or half empty.  I could be depressed about not having a ring.  Or, I could be happy I can leave at any time, knowing that I have existed single before. Then, I think about being single again :-(   .  This would suck.  Not the being single part so much as the casual dating part.  I hate casual dating.  Casual dating sucks for me, since I am a weirdo magnet.  I will stop there, since people can read all of my prior posts (pre-June 2006) abou that.  Even then, I can be a glass is 1/2 empty person:

I have no hope of finding someone 1/2way normal around here.  Even ex-roomate Kathy's friend, who looks like this: www.poster.net/delpy-julie/delpy-julie-photo-julie-delpy-6235810.jpg (she really does look like Julie Delphy) and who can cook great, is clean, organized to a FAULT, nice as hell, works as a physical therapist for a sports team, and a great catch, is still single.  There is no hope for me.  I might as well resound myself for Match.com (no this is not a bad place; just for me, it does not feel right.

Or I can be a glass 1/2 full person:
The world' fattest man ( I mean as in Guiness confirmed it), Manuel Uribe  www.belligerentfop.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/Manuel%20Uribe.jpg has no computer and has not left ihs bed in 6 years.  And he just got married.  To a very beautiful woman.  1.bp.blogspot.com/_9cS1xh4GAB8/SQVuwlf3pOI/AAAAAAAABkM/rRjzA_Rw9Qw/s320/Manuel+Uribe+wedding.jpg .  Here is another picture.  www.chinadaily.com.cn/life/images/attachement/jpg/site1/20081028/0022191004340a70aa5826.jpg Well at least they did not have to go far for the honeymoon. 

EDIT: I feel so horrible about laughing at the worlds fattest man.  Well, he has the last laugh I guess.  He has lost 500 + pounds, and I can barely muster the strength to lost the weight I need to.  It does not help when, on one hand, IT wants me to lose weight for health, and then will not eat what I prepare b/c it is healthy.  He can be such an uncaring prick sometimes.   

SECOND EDIT: I just removed all comments that can seem nasty about Manuel Urible.  Why?  I just read a "Pro Anorexia" site.  Pro-anorexia? R U kidding me?  Really do people like this really need more encouragement to starve or throw up?  (As it turns out, it's kind of a support group for anorexics who want assistance/are getting assistance.)  Still, I had this one thought in my head while I was reading this website:

www.youtube.com/watch  now fast forward to 9 min 5 sec

I am sorry if anyone got offended by those posts.  I really really needed a laugh right now, since I need to strill make dinner and put away 7 loads of laundry while my man plays with his friends online.  To be fair, he did work today.  Still, laundry sucks. 

Looking at those pictures, my life is not so bad,  I did not need a forklift to get my ass to my own wedding.  That reminds me, I gotta go back to weight watchers this week.  No excuses.  I don't want to end up like that, and my job is the obesity capital of NJ..