Life Sucks....if you Make it that way
Mar. 11th, 2001 09:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
simoriahGosh, I am so anxious right now. Before, my boyfriend called me. He wanted to go watch some movies at Diane's apartment. He wanted me to hang out. Why do I not want to go over there? I have no idea.
To tell the truth, I don't think it is the green eyed monster. I know that jealousy has been popping up lately, and it is because he will compliment other women that have qualities that I do not have. When he does that, I feel inside that he is telling me "Get those qualities or I am going to dump you for her." It just upsets me, because he wants to move to Florida with me next year. What if we break up now? What will happen if we break up down there? Just the utter thought of us breaking up makes me want to die, yet it is always on my mind. Grant it, I am not all that great with commitment. In the past, I have broken up with people for the dumbest things, now that I look back. I never had any consideration for the fact that they might have a life besides me, even though I thought I was not demanding on their time.
Every problem that I have with him, whether it be that he makes me late for work or that he spends my money on stupid things, I want to break up with him. It seems to me that the easiest answer is the simplest: Get the problem out of my life. He is the problem.
But he isn't. And that is why I have been so upset lately. Crying at every emotion. It seems that I have been purging the last few single urges that I have. I hate to admit this, but I am the problem. I have been so intent on being single that I have remained so committed to the fact that I am single, and that I can be selfish, because I have nobody else to worry about.
But now, I am part of a relationship. And I want to make it work.
Four months ago, I made a pact with the goddess. Right in the light of the full moon, I burned a piece of paper that said "Casual Sex", which means I was ready to banish it from my life. The next time I have sex with somebody, it had better be with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, it is now four months later, and the 4th full moon has passed. We met on the 1st full moon (that night) after the promise. And I do want to be with him the rest of my life.
Another thing that is bothering me is that he wants to go out all the time. At first, I thought he was going to spend all my money, but he 'promised' to get the money back. Now, I think that I uncovered another problem...fat. I am fat. When I was skinny, even when I was a little skinnier, I had no problem showing my face in public. I could go out every night and not care. Now, I dread even going out in public. I feel horrible when I wake up in the morning and I realize that I am still this fat and ugly. My boyfriend really never complains about my weight. He just wishes that I eat healthier. Actually, from what I noticed, he likes bigger women. But he also knows women who don't make a big deal out of their weight. I had a nightmare the other night: it was that I noticed that as I get fatter, I buy fewer clothing because I feel that there are less and less amounts of clothing that actually look good on me. One day, in the dream, I got down to 2 mu mu's (fat people dresses). I don't want to be the mu mu girl. At the same time, I already feel that I am her. I never used to complain about going to bars because, well, I wanted to go out to more places. Now, I just want to feel human again instead of just like an aging hippopotamus.
Gosh, I hope that by next entry, this depression will go away. Well, that is all for now. I hope to talk to my boyfriend about saving money and trying to be myself again. Angel, if you are out there, te quiero mucho para siempre.
To tell the truth, I don't think it is the green eyed monster. I know that jealousy has been popping up lately, and it is because he will compliment other women that have qualities that I do not have. When he does that, I feel inside that he is telling me "Get those qualities or I am going to dump you for her." It just upsets me, because he wants to move to Florida with me next year. What if we break up now? What will happen if we break up down there? Just the utter thought of us breaking up makes me want to die, yet it is always on my mind. Grant it, I am not all that great with commitment. In the past, I have broken up with people for the dumbest things, now that I look back. I never had any consideration for the fact that they might have a life besides me, even though I thought I was not demanding on their time.
Every problem that I have with him, whether it be that he makes me late for work or that he spends my money on stupid things, I want to break up with him. It seems to me that the easiest answer is the simplest: Get the problem out of my life. He is the problem.
But he isn't. And that is why I have been so upset lately. Crying at every emotion. It seems that I have been purging the last few single urges that I have. I hate to admit this, but I am the problem. I have been so intent on being single that I have remained so committed to the fact that I am single, and that I can be selfish, because I have nobody else to worry about.
But now, I am part of a relationship. And I want to make it work.
Four months ago, I made a pact with the goddess. Right in the light of the full moon, I burned a piece of paper that said "Casual Sex", which means I was ready to banish it from my life. The next time I have sex with somebody, it had better be with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, it is now four months later, and the 4th full moon has passed. We met on the 1st full moon (that night) after the promise. And I do want to be with him the rest of my life.
Another thing that is bothering me is that he wants to go out all the time. At first, I thought he was going to spend all my money, but he 'promised' to get the money back. Now, I think that I uncovered another problem...fat. I am fat. When I was skinny, even when I was a little skinnier, I had no problem showing my face in public. I could go out every night and not care. Now, I dread even going out in public. I feel horrible when I wake up in the morning and I realize that I am still this fat and ugly. My boyfriend really never complains about my weight. He just wishes that I eat healthier. Actually, from what I noticed, he likes bigger women. But he also knows women who don't make a big deal out of their weight. I had a nightmare the other night: it was that I noticed that as I get fatter, I buy fewer clothing because I feel that there are less and less amounts of clothing that actually look good on me. One day, in the dream, I got down to 2 mu mu's (fat people dresses). I don't want to be the mu mu girl. At the same time, I already feel that I am her. I never used to complain about going to bars because, well, I wanted to go out to more places. Now, I just want to feel human again instead of just like an aging hippopotamus.
Gosh, I hope that by next entry, this depression will go away. Well, that is all for now. I hope to talk to my boyfriend about saving money and trying to be myself again. Angel, if you are out there, te quiero mucho para siempre.
