Not for the Faint at Heart
Dec. 8th, 2000 04:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
simoriahFirst off, thanks for Starpanthress for letting me use her catchphrase, but it is pretty appropriate....
Just hearing this song reminds me of different ideas, like the idea that one night of passion can alter a life forever.
I now know so many guys at work that are married (or were) with children because of shotgun weddings. Just makes me wonder about the readiness of some people to have children. This of course brings me back to my own mother....
She was a real winner. She basically all but abandoned me when I was 11. After that, she was a basic absentee-father with estrogen. You know, I have to start giving my stepmother a lot more credit for what she has done for me. True, we have had our knock-down, plate-throwing fights where I would run away. But doesn't everyone?
I mean, I have to love my mother, because she is her. I don't know anymore if I like her. She gave me to my father at 11 and said,"I wash my hands of her, this fat ugly stupid retard." What kind of mother does that? Well, I had Miriam, and that is more than I needed. I wish I could thank her more often, but thanking her at this point would seem more like either feeling guilty for time lost or trying to get something..Neither of which I honestly feel.
It's times like these where I wish I could just cry about what my mother did to me, and I know I can't. Obviously, I am at work, and trying desperately to find my friend's email..But also, There's nothing left to cry about. I have a tought desicion to make, one which I have been putting off for a long time. Do I continue to live in the past, and be depressed for the rest of my life? Or do I move on? I'll be it, there is a lot to move on from, and I don't know if I could ever forgive my mother for all that. But, I have to let this piece of emotional baggage down for good.
Gosh, now all I have to do is follow through with the promise that I can let go of the past, and get my ass back to work. Well, I'll save the rest for another day. I have got a million calendars waiting for me.
Til next time....
Just hearing this song reminds me of different ideas, like the idea that one night of passion can alter a life forever.
I now know so many guys at work that are married (or were) with children because of shotgun weddings. Just makes me wonder about the readiness of some people to have children. This of course brings me back to my own mother....
She was a real winner. She basically all but abandoned me when I was 11. After that, she was a basic absentee-father with estrogen. You know, I have to start giving my stepmother a lot more credit for what she has done for me. True, we have had our knock-down, plate-throwing fights where I would run away. But doesn't everyone?
I mean, I have to love my mother, because she is her. I don't know anymore if I like her. She gave me to my father at 11 and said,"I wash my hands of her, this fat ugly stupid retard." What kind of mother does that? Well, I had Miriam, and that is more than I needed. I wish I could thank her more often, but thanking her at this point would seem more like either feeling guilty for time lost or trying to get something..Neither of which I honestly feel.
It's times like these where I wish I could just cry about what my mother did to me, and I know I can't. Obviously, I am at work, and trying desperately to find my friend's email..But also, There's nothing left to cry about. I have a tought desicion to make, one which I have been putting off for a long time. Do I continue to live in the past, and be depressed for the rest of my life? Or do I move on? I'll be it, there is a lot to move on from, and I don't know if I could ever forgive my mother for all that. But, I have to let this piece of emotional baggage down for good.
Gosh, now all I have to do is follow through with the promise that I can let go of the past, and get my ass back to work. Well, I'll save the rest for another day. I have got a million calendars waiting for me.
Til next time....
